Let me tell you a story about 2 boys and a strange journey. One sunny weekend in the suburbs... 2 boys were daydreaming. After their lunch, they were playing on their Nintendo DSi, and they were taking pictures of each other upstairs in their bedroom. Just then, they started playing their games and got sucked into the DSi. It was mostly a boring game, so they jumped out the DSi, and they were tiny! "Everything's so big!" said the boys. Then a giant BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! made the boys jump. "Duck and cover!! It's Dad's feet. Run!" The boys shrieked for their dear lives as they ran away from the vast feet of Dad. Trying to run down the stairs seemed like a mountain, a sheet of paper was a flying carpet, and toy cars were real cars. Nothing was possible, except for teamwork. Soon, they found a car. 1 boy said "I'll drive, you navigate." Boy 2 wound up the car, and they were off! Bouncing off the stairs, was like a roller coaster! Jumping so hard off a ramp, they tripped into their DSi. Jumping out again, they returned to their normal sizes. Dad said "Where have you been?", "Nowhere Dad" said the boys, "just having a tiny adventure!!" The boys looked and laughed at each other and said "What a strange journey that was!!"
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5 comments:
Don't forget the correct puncuation!
I like the idea of being tiny1 It brings back memories. Hmmmm...
Allspark.T
Hi dboggs99 - really sorry for my delay in commenting. This is a good and as allspark says with a nice idea about being tiny. There are a few minor qualms though.
Firstly, you need to remember to use correct puncuation. Sometimes you used commas when they are not needed and the use of two exclamation marks at the end of the piece is also a bit excessive. Also when writing numbers, you're supposed to actually write them as "two" rather than "2" as you do. It's just one of those annoying grammar rules.
Other than that, this is a good piece though. I think you could definitely do more with it though - think about providing more details about the boys time inside the DSi and how it felt for them to change size.
I've noticed that a lot of your work involves Nintendo DS in some way - I'm guessing you're quite a fan
Hi dboggs99
Sorry for the delay on commenting on your work.
Great work! And as the other moderators said nice idea about being tiny! Firstly be careful on your puncuation. Some commas seem to be in the wrong places. Also try to write in paragraphs and write numbers like "2" in words rather than numbers.
However this is good piece of work but you could put a little bit more of effort in it.
Excellent work! Looking foward to your next task!
Hello dboggs99.
Your story is very nice and appealing, mainly because you have made the story very current by mentionning Nintendo DSis, cars etc.
Are the children broters? if so, you should make early referrences to that. Also your story can slightly confuse the reader because you have not mentioned the boys' names.
By splitting the stry into paragraphs you can make your story clearer and easier to read.
Again, this is a good bit of writing.
Well done!
Lady Macbeth
Thanks for all your comments.
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