When I was young I was as sensitive as a feather
Skinner than a brach from a huge tree,
As fierce as a stinging bee,
And louder than a trumpet.
Now I am wiser than an old oak tree,
Sensible like a beautiful Butterfly,
Smoother than a gentle Ocean.
As brave as a soldier.
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2 comments:
Hi writinglover98.
This is a very nice poem. You have successfully created two stanzas of the correct lenght, contrasting past and present. So well done on a good structure.
However, you seem to have misunderstood where the rhymes should be. (Or maybe you forgot about them!) This poem should be structured around this rhyme pattern: abab cdcd
Let me explain what that means.
The last word on the first line we call 'a'.
The last word on the second line should not rhyme with 'a', so we call this 'b'.
The last word on the third line SHOULD rhyme with the first line, so we call this one 'a' again
And the last word of the fourth line should rhyme with the last word of the second line, so we call this 'b' again.
Take englishguru's poem for example:
When I was young the snow fell every YEAR (a)
And summers sweltered, scorching each JULY. (b)
A hug from mum could swallow up my FEAR; (a)
And happiness was lemon meringue PIE. (b)
The second stanza will have the same rhyming STRUCTURE, but will have different rhyming words (which is why they are labled 'c' and 'd')
Does this make sense to you?
So in your poem, 'feather' should have rhymed with 'bee' (but it doesn't). You have rhymed 'tree' and 'bee', though, so I'm glad you have attempted the rhyme, but unfortuntely it is in the wrong place!
I thought all your images were great. I LOVED the way you echoed some of the images from the past into the present, such as the insect imagery (bee/butterfly) and the tree (branch/oak). Maybe you could have taken it further and used this idea for the whole of the second stanza? Even so, great idea.
ps. 'butterfly' and 'ocean' should not be capitalized.
Thank you.
i might have not read the task properley.And thanks for the spelling mistakes.
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