When i was young i was forever free.
I was really tiny but big in mind.
I was naughty but that's just me.
I could get angry but also was kind.
Now i am ten years old i am clever.
Almost eleven and getting bigger.
Growing taller but seems like forever.
One day i might be a famous figure.
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5 comments:
Hi Aisha,
You've obviously got to grips with the rules of poetry, so that's great.
You've got a real talent for images which shines through here. Being 'really tiny but big in mind' is great, especially after talking about how free you were!
I also like the idea that you're 'growing taller but seems like forever'. You've taken the concept of the the first stanza as the past, and the second stanza as the present, and then jumped forward to the future, it's great!
I really enjoyed reading it. I would suggest that in some lines you could be a bit more creative, look through thesaurus' for different words. You had some brilliantly creative lines, so 'I could get angry but also was kind' is too easy, too simple and expected.
But overall, really really great- well done!
thanks andi i will try harder next time
Hi Aisha
Well done this was a fantastic attempt. I agree with Andi you are definitely very talented.
I really enjoyed reading the comparison of the past from the present but also there seemed to me that there this was a little snippet and made me want to read on about the future.
The only thing I can add to improve your work is that lines 2 and 7 don't have 10 syllables so maybe be a bit more careful to avoid little errors ( I make many in my work)so proof reading over and over again should do the trick.
Overall well done and I look forward to reading your next task.
;D
ok thanks i will try harder
Hi Aisha,
as the other two have already said your poetry is great but and over all very pleasing to read.
However there are a few things you should try to be careful of. For example using easier vocabulary, also you could try using differnt punctuation such as question marks and exclamation marks to involve your reader even more.
I did really like reading your poem because you added your own twist on things with your alitteration "famous figure" ireally liked that and i liked you hint of the future tense by using the phrase "One day".
Overall well done and I can't wait for your next piece :)
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