when i was young it was so amazing and strange
I remember spain in the feaista season
i cant rememeber the truth but its strange
Iremember the spainish food seasoning
no i am ten i dont visit spain to arrange
I have a reason to grow and to season
now some of my friends moved to leyton grange
i have never ever moved to grow an d watch the seasons
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4 comments:
Hi bearcub
I've read your piece it doesn't look as if you have spent time on it!!
You have got some good content in this poem but it isn't shining through like your other pieces.
Your spelling in this piece isn't fantastic, e.g feaista which is acctually spelt - fiesta, spainish which should be spanish. There are also a few typos in this poem!!
I think you could make this better by saying why spain is great and and what you miss about it, you mention that you remember spanish food seasoning but you don't say what you remember about the food seasoning.
There is some sort of idea in this piece but it hasn't flourished maybe you needed to spend more time on this piece!! I'm slightly disapointed, maybe your next task will show how great your writing skill really are!!
Sorry for being so harsh, sometimes critisism is good for you, if you don't understand anything I have said please just ask in a comment!!
Hey Bearcub thought I might just add another comment for some technical things you needed and I
think you didn't understand the task properly so I just thought I
should clarify task 4.
You needed:
10 syllables in each line
I'll use dboggs99's line as an example:
When - I -was - young- I - had - so - ma-ny - toys
And your line,
Now- some- of - my-friends-moved-to-ley-ton-grange
that line is perfect in syllable count so welldone, try to keep that through out!!
Rhyming scheme:
Your rhyming scheme is niether here or there on: arrange and
grange, you got it spot on!!
season and seasons you got a half rhyme so that counts too!!
Stanzas: which baisically means
a layout of a certain number of lines, usually four or more, sometimes having a fixed length, and rhyme scheme, forming a section of a poem.
You needed two stanzas the first stanza had to contain what you used to be alike and the second stanza is what you are like now and
in this piece you only have one but that can easily be changed so that isn't a main factor
Englishguru also asked if you could use the technique MARS I'm not going to go over that but you can just look at task 4 again and it will say all about MARS!!
So if you really want to improve please take some of my advice!
This is only to help you not to be harsh!!
Hope you improve by this advice.
Mechanical Angel.
Hi Bearcub!
I hope you’ve had a great summer!
Yes, this poem does seem rushed, as none of your lines fit into the rule of being ten syllables long. I know from your haikus that you can get the syllable count to work, so just make sure you really concentrate on checking and re-checking your work. You might find it helpful before you start a task to write a checklist of all the rules you have to stick to, then write your piece, and then go back and check it against the rules, ticking each one off as you’ve made sure you’ve achieved it perfectly. You can reach for perfection! Also, the typos and lack of punctuation and capital letters just make this seem sloppy. Please take time to make your work as professional as possible; good grammar makes me happy!
Well done for getting the theme right though, with the four retrospective lines and the four based on what you’re like now. You grasped the rhyme scheme too, and stuck to it, which shows improvement, so that’s really good. However, at times this doesn’t quite work, as “season” and “seasoning” don’t actually rhyme, even though they’re from the same root. This clashes and spoils the metre somewhat. It is good to use half rhymes at times, but that doesn’t quite work here. Just keep practicing with it; I know you’ll get it soon!
I quite like how you’ve repeated words at the ends of lines, particularly over the two stanzas, as it shows some continuance despite all of the changes. I also like how you’ve changed the meaning of the word “season”, from what you put on food, to the changes in weather—very original!
I really like the contrast between Spain and England too, as it shows not just the change in yourself, but the change between your surroundings. However, in places some of your statements don’t quite make sense. “I don’t visit Spain to arrange,” seems like a strange thing to say—to arrange what? Be careful that you don’t use words just because they rhyme, they really need to add something constructive to the poem, and need to say something important.
Also, for future reference, you really could do with a line break between the stanzas to show that the theme is changing. There are some good ideas in this poem, and it definitely shows potential, but it really does need some more work and re-drafting. If you want to go back through it, making sure it fits all the rules perfectly and really thinking about each individual word you use, I’d be more than happy to read through a re-draft and give you another comment. I know there’s some brilliant poetry lurking inside of you! Checking and re-drafting is the key!
Looking forward to reading your next piece and (hopefully!) another attempt at this poem.
Katie
cant you stop being critical
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