Sasha, a courageous 14 year old girl, was walking her dog one Saturday morning. She wore a blue top with a yellow smiley face on, a grey cardigan, blue skinny jeans and her black boots. She loved and cared for her dog ,Sally, and took it for walks every day. There was something strange though, whenever Sasha and Sally went for a walk they would pass a great big huge warehouse. When this would happen Sally would whimper and run away. Sally was a strong dog compered to her owner, this meant that whenever Sally would run she would pull Sasha with her along the street. Meaning Sasha would never get to look at the warehouse.
But this morning Sasha asked herself weather she should hold Sally and take a look. So,
But this morning Sasha asked herself weather she should hold Sally and take a look. So,
when they were both out for a walk Sasha did what she said she would do. Sasha got to look at the warehouse and saw a door! No one saw people go in there but every day there would be a mad rush of lorries coming out. " Maybe there could be sweets inside, paint or maybe even animals." Sasha was determined to see what was inside that warehouse, no matter how scared Sally was.
So Sasha pushed open the door and then Sally ran away, but Sasha didn't go after Sally because she was too focused, on getting the door open, but it wouldn't open! She found a key on the floor. It looked as f it had just been chucked there. She tried to open the door with it but it would not budge. No the key was for something much more valuable.
"I'll keep this key for later." She muttered.
Sasha saw a dusty window and some crates. She stacked the crates under the window. When she reached the window she wiped the dust off and looked inside.
"I'll keep this key for later." She muttered.
Sasha saw a dusty window and some crates. She stacked the crates under the window. When she reached the window she wiped the dust off and looked inside.
There was no body there but things were moving, by themselves. Some of the things were flying,but they were all glistening in the light.
BOO!!! A loud thump crashed against the window and knocked Sasha of the crates. Something swept her up on her feet and said..."If I show my face, do you promise not to scream or any thing?"
"Yes I do."
So then out of the blue a ghost appeared! It was sort of transparent, but you could still see it.
"Look kid we run a thief warehouse it is not safe for you here. Now run along."
Speechlessly Sasha ran down the road out of sight. She was petrified and didn't know what to do. So, Sasha went down back to the battered old warehouse and waited for the mad rush of lorries.
She waited and waited, it was so boring for her.
Finally, after two hours of waiting, the lorries came. One drove out and then Sasha grabbed on to the back of the lorry. She then grabbed the key out her pocket and opened the lorry door. Sasha was thrilled. She jumped in. When she did so she jumped on jewelery lots of it . The truck was full of it. The ghosts must have been stealing it, by going invisible!
"The ghost must have been right."Sasha whispered. But it was not quiet enough!
There was a noise from the front of the lorry. She had been caught!
Suddenly, the ghost from earlier, swooped down and grabbed Sasha. She quickly turned invisible too. They jumped out the moving lorry and then something lifted therm into the air. They were flying!
Then all of a sudden they were back in Sasha's bedroom!
"I thought I told you stay away from us we are not good. do not get your self messed up with our business. One last thing before I go do not tell any one else about this do you promise?"
"Yes. But all of it is so exciting."
"NO it is dangerous!!! Now stay away!" The ghost shouted,and with that he flew away.
She never spoke of that warehouse again! As for the walks, well, let's just say she found a different route. She never got another visit from the ghost again. That is what was behind that locked door though.
She waited and waited, it was so boring for her.
Finally, after two hours of waiting, the lorries came. One drove out and then Sasha grabbed on to the back of the lorry. She then grabbed the key out her pocket and opened the lorry door. Sasha was thrilled. She jumped in. When she did so she jumped on jewelery lots of it . The truck was full of it. The ghosts must have been stealing it, by going invisible!
"The ghost must have been right."Sasha whispered. But it was not quiet enough!
There was a noise from the front of the lorry. She had been caught!
Suddenly, the ghost from earlier, swooped down and grabbed Sasha. She quickly turned invisible too. They jumped out the moving lorry and then something lifted therm into the air. They were flying!
Then all of a sudden they were back in Sasha's bedroom!
"I thought I told you stay away from us we are not good. do not get your self messed up with our business. One last thing before I go do not tell any one else about this do you promise?"
"Yes. But all of it is so exciting."
"NO it is dangerous!!! Now stay away!" The ghost shouted,and with that he flew away.
She never spoke of that warehouse again! As for the walks, well, let's just say she found a different route. She never got another visit from the ghost again. That is what was behind that locked door though.
3 comments:
Dear Freyastar,
It’s great to see you back on Wordvoodoo! I hope all has been well for you, and it’s glad to see that you’ve taken the challenge of writing up Task 6 head first.
Taking into consideration that you didn’t get a chance to practice writing a story with the rules of Task 5, it’s good to see that you haven’t held back the flow of your imaginative juices for ‘The Locked Door’. :)
You’ve paid very great attention to the details in your story. From Sasha’s clothing to her very faithful yet frightened dog, it’s admirable to see such a rush of imagination of creativity burst out of your writing. The pace of your story too, is also well managed. The progression of the events that happen to Sasha are very well controlled, and there don’t seem to be any moments in your story where one event jumps too suddenly to another.
Your story achieves the thrills of suspense and tension, but is well-suited to the child-like innocence of Sasha. The stories with ‘Casper the friendly ghost’ are really similar examples of this suspense; an admirable yet frightening braveness of something/someone young and inexperienced conquering an adventure of their own.
What I think could do with a little reworking is the introduction of the story.
Stories don’t have to always have very informative introductions full of explanations – introductions are (as funny as this will sound) better off being very boring and bland. In fact the introductions that do not have all of the explanations about the character, who she is, what she’s doing and so on; the less you write in the introduction, the more the reader can fill in for themselves. It is more exciting for the reader to imagine Sasha’s character, and beginning the story with a line such as “Sasha would never get a look at the warehouse, no matter how hard she tried” would be a perfect way to pull in readers because it makes us ask a question: why does Sasha never get a look at the warehouse?
Also, watch out for the easy mistakes regarding punctuation. It can be very easy to get carried away with a story (I have done so so many times) and forget about speech marks for thoughts and of course, words that are said. “BOO!!!” is just one instance that I can see where speech marks are needed. One thing also about exclamation marks – try not to overdo them. I used to love putting exclamation marks at the end of every “BANG” or “BOO” when I was young, but I learnt that sometimes they do exactly the opposite of what they are meant to do. “BANG! The carton exploded into a million little pieces” would seem a lot less explosive and massive if it were written as “BANG!!! The carton exploded into a million little pieces” simply because, “BOO” or “BANG” are already read with the knowledge that they are big words describing big actions/phrases.
I really admire the lack of ‘he said/she said’ in your writing. "Look kid we run a thief warehouse it is not safe for you here. Now run along" is a very quick and snappy remark at Sasha, and I love how it is just said starkly. Another phrase that I love is “they are all glistening in the light”. It’s a really nice sweet phrase, and brings to mind a shiny glittery light dancing on whatever objects are “flying” in the warehouse. I’d love to see this kind of imagery used further in the writing of your further tasks – try to practice using some of this descriptive language in your writing sometime.
I’m sure that your other Mods will give you further technical feedback. Good going on the creativity of this piece; you’ve reminded me of how I loved Casper the friendly ghost as a child. :)
All the best,
E.
Hi,
It's a great story you've got here, and I can see that you've already been given lots of ideas for making it even better.
The ending is especially strong. I loved the 'let's just say she found a different route' line. I also liked that you included dialogue - having people speak in your stories is a great way to get people's attention. Some writers even think that the only way to get a reader to really pay attention to details is to have a character say something about it. I'd like to see even more dialogue in your next story.
Try to avoid repeating verbs close to each other. So in this bit: 'One drove out and then Sasha grabbed on to the back of the lorry. She then grabbed the...' You can see the word 'grabbed' twice in two lines. It's not a big deal, but if you practice now, it'll get easier to avoid doing it later.
One other tip: try not to use too many exclaimation points. In fact, to practice, you could try using none at all, and seeing if it changes the story for you. '!' is often hard to read - it can be angry, excited, scared, loud, but we should know how to read the line without the '!' there, so it doesn't really change anything.
One writer, Earnest Hemmingway, used to say that using '!' was kind of like laughing at your own joke, because it's telling the reader they should be excited.
You've written a cool story there - very imaginative. Well done, and take care,
Andy
Hey Freyastar!
Sorry for posting pretty late (again)-as you've probably already gathered by now, I am TERRIBLE at being on time!
Glad to see you back on Wordvoodoojnr, and it was great to read your work again.
You've written a great story here-it's pretty imaginative and intriguing-as Eternity.forever and Andy have already said. You've been given a lot of great comments already and I don't think there's a lot more I can add to them.
I really liked some of the descriptions in the first paragraph-how you described Sasha as "a courageous 14 year old."
I thought that the ending was also really strong, although the last sentence-"That was what was behing that locked door"-was really necessary. "As for walks, lets just say she found a different route" is enough to close the story.
Also, try not to repeat words too much. Like Andy said- you used the word "grabbed" twice in two lines-this can be pretty boring, and you can always look up new words in a thesaurus that will be even more effective.
You've written a really imaginative story here-unusual and unique, and I can't really add to what the other moderators have said already.
Great attempt at the task-Good Luck for the next one, and I look forward to reading it!
Crazystar
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