It was a cold windy night and the wind was whistling through the trees. My mum, Melanie and my dad, Tom had gone to sleep and I was sat in my bed shaking. I was scared that night because I watched one of the scariest films ever made!
My mum told me not to, but I said ,“I’ll be fine.” I was wrong way, way wrong. Consequently I sat staring at the wall like it was the most amazing thing on earth. I heard drunk men cheering because their football team had won . Because it was a school night, I knew I was going to get into trouble.
All of a sudden my baby brother, George began to cry like always. Quickly, foot steps gathered I hid under my blanket then remembered it was my mum. Slam! My window, witch I forgot to close, shut. There was a rain drop trickling down the window. Suddenly there was a big crash of thunder and a flash of lightning.
Every thing stopped and I then heard a scatter across the floor and there was more thunder more lightning and the rain began to poor. To make things worse I fell out of bed and smashed my head the floor. I knew I would never get to sleep.
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3 comments:
Hi cheekymonkey. I'm not officially your moderator, but it seems you don't have any comments on this yet so I thought I would let you know what I think.
This is some really good writing. You've used paragraph breaks in the right places, giving this piece a strong structure.
This piece is very atmospheric - you've created a very creepy mood. Yet it is also a very understandable one and the story is about something we can all relate to.
I think the ending could have been a little stronger. Changing a couple of the words would be an easy way to make the ending stronger. In the second-to-last sentence you say 'Another things to make things worse...'. If you cut out 'Another thing', the sentence still makes sense, but you don't have extra words slowing the pace down. This technique is often used by writers: it is when unecessary words or phrases are removed from the piece to make the writing *tighter*.
Using this same method, you could remove the word 'Therefore' from the last sentence. This word feels very clinical and 'school-like' - something you might use in an essay. However, if you remove it from the last sentence, the reader will focus more on the rest of the words ('I knew I wouldn't get to sleep.'), and that is at the heart of the story.
You can play around with the words a bit to see which phrases feel strongest. I think adding the word 'never' into the last sentence might help.
So the last two lines would be:
To make things worse, I fell out of bed and smashed my head on the floor. I knew I would never get to sleep.
In all, though, this was a very good stroy. Well done!
Hi Cheekymonkey.
This is a very interesting piece of writing. You seem to have put a lot of effort into it and have come up with a very good story.
However, there still are areas where you can work on. Firstly, You do not have to mention the names of the main character's parents, as you do not make any referance to them throughout the rest of the story. You have also confused 'witch' for 'which', this would convey a different message.
Still, this is a very good peice of writing, and am looking forward for more.
Well done!
Lady Macbeth
Hey cheekymonkey! Yes I agree with Lady_Macbeth, I think it was an interesting story to read and it was well presented.
I liked the tension that you build towards the end though that error that you made with the word which spoiled it a bit.
Apart from some obvious mistakes this was a really good piece and I am totally looking forward to seeing the new one!
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