Rosa was 17. She hated her life in her skanky council estate flat. Every morning she woke up to smells of cigarettes and sounds of arguements. She had a 3year old child who she raised by herself as her boyfriend walked out on her.
She didn't show her hate for the gritty place although it's clear anyone would hate it.
One day Rosa decided she was tired of life, her flat, her moaning child and her "wake up calls" so she packed her bags and left the flat. She called her mother even though she was a complete mess, to look after Alex, her daughter.
Rosa wandered down the High St trying to think of where to go when she came across a quite cheap travel agent. She thought about finding a holiday but realised she didn't even have enough money for food.
As she walked a few drunk blokes whisltled at her as she walked by so she just rolled her eyes and carried on. It was becoming dark. It took her some time to realise that she was no longer in Liverpool but somewhere she didn't know.
She panicked and looked around at drunk people and people who had cigarettes sticking out of their mouths. They were too busy chatting to friends to react to her. She was lost. Nowhere to go. No one to talk to.
She missed Alex, she even missed her mum. She looked even more shaken when two policemen came past. They looked across to eachother and ushered Rosa into the van and took her to the station.
They first pulled up to a Rehab, Rosa got worried knowing she wasn't addicted to drugs but it was only to pick up a fellow policeman.
When they pulled up to the station, Rosa was taken to a small room to stay the night. It wasn't at all like a cell although it was small. It was a luxury compared to her old flat. Later the next day a non familiar policeman started to talk to her. He asked her where she lived. For a strange reason she didn't remember. A thing she did remember was a man offer her a drink. She remembered taking the drink.
She told the policeman this story and described the dodgy man to him. He seemed to know this man. He was apparentely tagged. Maybe he had drugged Rosa's drink or maybe Rosa just had a hangover.
Later on the men let Rosa go. She tried to ask people where she was but then remembered the name on the police station PRESTON POLICE was stuck in her head. She had wandered into Preston. It would of obviously taken another dark night to get home but she decided to try.
So many roads intertwined and went round in circles Rosa was obviously lost. She saw a group of lads hanging around outside a corner shop, surprisingly not drinking alcohol but obviously drunk. She was brave to ask them how to get to Liverpool. They tried to tell her but their words were slurred.
She just said thanks and walked away. Soon she came back to the shop and decided to take a different route she still ended up somewhere she had been before. This was the most Difficult Journey Rosa had ever been on.
At the end of 3 days she still hadn't given up even knowing she would never find her way. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Rosa's mum forgot about Rosa as her head was a bit messed up.
ROSA STILL WANDERS THE STREETS OF PRESTON TRYING TO FIND THE WAY TO LIVERPOOL. HER DIFFICULT JOURNEY REPRESENTED HER DIFFICULT JOURNEY IN LIFE AND HER DIFFICULT JOURNEY BACK HOME.
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3 comments:
Hi PRETTYFACE,
Wow! What an interesting piece you have written! You have tackled quite a controversial subject about the lives of some young mothers in Britain in a very honest and mature fashion, which is a big achievement for someone of you age. Do you read books written by Jacqueline Wilson? Your writing styles are both very similar and I’m sure you would enjoy reading some of her titles for older readers, such as Lola Rose and The Illustrated Mum.
You portray Rosa as someone selfish and unpredictable and the most basic way to have told this was to have described Rosa with your point of view. Instead of piling these preconceptions onto the reader, you have given the reader a choice to make their own judgements on your main character through the “show, and don’t tell” technique. I have gathered that Rosa doesn’t care much about her three-year-old daughter and would seek a better life away from her “skanky council estate flat” without her. Alex seems to be weighing Rosa down, stopping her from making something of her life and because Rosa is still young, she tends to think about herself more than the other people around her. Those are my opinions and they might be different from my friends or my parents. On the other hand, there will be some statements about Rosa that nobody can disagree on, such as the fact she is seventeen and gave birth to Alex at the ages of either thirteen or fourteen. There is nothing better than to get the reader to think and you have done an excellent job of this, so very well done. Another feature that really sticks out is how realistic the content is in your work – you are not afraid to experiment with different plots and instead of going down the typical route of Rosa finding her way home, we are left hanging onto a metaphorical cliff, as she remains in a state of confusion after her drink was spiked, lost in between Preston and Liverpool. We don’t know if she was imagining seeing the drunken men with “cigarettes sticking out of their mouths”, or if it was an event in reality. Really great stuff. You are also aware of the contrast between long and short sentences and how effective they can be when used appropriately.
There are some parts in your work where an injection of dialogue is needed to shake up the plot, to shed light on Rosa’s feelings more and to delve deeper into the relationships she has with other people, such as the policeman. Your writing is trapped in a linear sequence, (in a straight line) where an interesting plot is there, but is being slightly let down by you trying to pack too much content into one piece, not leaving enough room for the important things that can make your work really shine. Also, there are some picky bits that just need re – working a little: the policemen wouldn’t just escort Rosa into their van without her calling for help and I don’t think they would stop off at a Rehabilitation Centre to pick up a fellow police officer, either!
Furthermore, when Rosa gave her description of the man she believed to have spiked her drink, the policeman wouldn’t know immediately for definite who this man was and if he was guilty or not without investigating the case further.
What do you mean by “wake – up calls”? The “sounds of arguments” that Rosa wakes up to, or the meaning as it would be in the saying?
Nonetheless, excellent work, PRETTYFACE! Watch out next time for spelling errors, though!
Looking forward to hearing from you soon,
STARDUST.
Hey Prettyface,
I'm always stunned by the clear passion and effort displayed in each students task on this blog wach week. It's pieces like yours that seperate the okay from the truly magical. (The fact that I have close family from Liverpool won't affect my comment in the slightest 8D).
Firstly I'm happy to see you've absorbed my previous comment about content (if this comment wasn't addressed to you then sorry my memory is pretty bad :)). Regardless of this however the fact still remains, this piece covers more than just one topic/event which opens a whole corridorsworth of doors. Tust me when I say the thinking behind this piece requires skill in itself. Skill that you've demonstrated in bundles.
I also love the vivid descriptions in this piece. Everything from the description of the protagonist's home to the tramps on the street is REALLY accentuated in order to create an atmosphere simply not possible when these components are missing.
The only slight area for improvement in regards to the actual construction of the piece is consistency. Your opening really captures the audience (even if the teenage preganancy issue is a bit cliche). I just wish that this flair was carried on throughout the piece without non-important 'filling' characters being conjured out of nowhere.
All in all though Prettyface, this is still a piece of writing you should read aloud with pride. A huge improvement on last week.
Well done!
Carlsberger.
thnx 4 you guyss advice xx
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