Locked Door
Violet was locked in!"I should never have come to this terrible place," she thought to herself.Because she had been so fed up at home,Violet had slyly sneaked into a dark mysterious cave,which belonged to a band of scary,horrible, mean thieves.
The cave was full of the most precious jewellery and treasure, which they had stolen. Suddenly, something grabbed her by the neck and dragged her to a dark basement. She was so FRIGHTENED.
Violet came face to face with a small, pretty girl, not much older than her."What are you doing her? You could've been caught by them!" she said.Violet told her everything. Nevertheless,The pretty girl, who was called Subrina, helped Violet plan her escape.
Just as they finished chatting,someone entered the cave and spotted them plotting.The robber snatched them and they were in deep deep trouble.They awoke to find themselves chained. But... Subrina had a clever plan!
She unchained them, they took some treasure and ran for their lives.They had truimphed.Violet and Subrina had escaped!
4 comments:
Hey Screamer,
Before I get started can I just say how bowled over I am by the clear optimism you've displayed for this task. Most of the times the mood you approach the task in will heavily influence the end product, so looking at this task in such a positive way is half the battle.
Sometimes however it's this optimism that can dominate a piece, and this is what will be my suggested area of improvement for this weeks task.
Wordvoodoo Jnr. is ALL about experimentation, however this is easy. What makes this difficult is when we try to push the boundaries of creative writing as far as we can before we verge into cliche. This is the skill you clearly understand, and I know you're capable of flourishing into an accomplished writer. I just feel that you've fallen victim to the battle between content vs. creativity.
What I mean by this is simpler than it may seem. You've displayed in your previous tasks a raw talent for creativity. The problem I have is I feel your eagerness can sometimes take away from the flashes of excellence I spot now and again.
The main area for improvement for this task would be to be careful when you experiment with your pieces. Don't allow your natural enthusiasm to hinder your work and if anything focus more on establishing a firm basis before 'jazzing it up' with your natural originality.
Hope this helps!
Carlsberger.
i just needed 2 finish in time!
Screamer, hi again – and so sorry for the late response. As englishguru might have told you I was checking the blog using the name tabs on the right, and I don’t think your story was properly tagged. Anyway…
This is another great adventure story. I guess you picked your blogging name well - you like your stories scary! You’ve rewritten and expanded your earlier story, which is fine – the main idea here is to improve your storytelling skills, rather than come up with brilliantly original ones every time (although forcing yourself to come up with new ideas is a useful exercise!)
You’ve done well to take on board my comments about tension and twists from Task 5 – the point at which Violet feels someone grab her is very scary, followed swiftly by the excellent twist that it’s not a robber that’s got her, but someone on her side. That was very well done indeed.
You then increase the tension by actually producing a robber – just as Violet feared – to capture them both. This means they do have to escape, and escape together, making Violet part of a team, which is always good in adventure stories. Unfortunately, I thought that their escape was just too easily done. “Subrina had a clever plan” is fine, but if that “clever plan” is simply unchaining them, then the reader might feel a bit cheated!
How did she unchain them? Did she steal a key to the lock from a robber? Or a use the pin of a brooch or hair slide to pick the lock? Or perhaps one of them managed to wriggle their hands free? At the most exciting moments of your story, you need to focus in on the action, not skate over it. (You do this brilliantly in the earlier twist, when “something grabbed her by the neck”.)
There are a couple of other points where you move too quickly for your story, and I was left with unanswered questions: how does Violet discover the cave belongs to robbers? That surely should be an important moment, when she sees or hears them, and has to hide. Does she realise this before or after she spots the treasure? How about a description of her finding the treasure - lifting the lid of a chest to see it all twinkling at her in the dark?
And how about the robber who captures them? A description here could have been very effective. Was he carrying a gun or a knife? What was he wearing? Did his breath smell? Did he have a nasty smile? Was he rough with them as he tied them up, or - perhaps scarier - was he actually rather polite? Did he tell them what was going to happen to them? Just one line about him would increase the tension, as it would show what a bad situation the girls were in – and so would make their escape all the more exciting.
Writing isn’t just about putting down words on paper, or screen. A large part of it (for me, anyway) is thinking about your characters, and what happens to them – imagining it like a film inside your head: what if this happened? Or this? It’s daydreaming, basically! The more you daydream, the more vivid and lifelike the story becomes in your head, and the more vivid you can make it on the page. Which means it becomes more vivid in the mind of your reader, and they will be bowled over.
Finally, make sure you check spaces after full stops and commas! Apart from that, the spelling and grammar is fine!
Thanks, and keep at it. I want more adventure!
Thanx! those comments were smashing!!!!!!!!!!!!
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