Long time ago there was a young girl and she lived in London. People called her silly Mary. For her summer holiday she decided to go to France. She took the ferry. It was lovely. She wanted to have the time of her life in France. But for her surprise when she entered France people called her ugly. She hid her face and sadly took a coach to the beach. She stared at the beach, it was absolutely beautiful. When she got off the coach she bought herself a peach. She loved the area so much that she forgot about everybody. Even at the beach people were making fun out her. She heard people calling her spotty. She burst out in tears and run to the toilets. While she was there she met a really nice lady. She looked at Mary’s face and didn’t want to spoil it. “Cheer up little girl, if you keep your face like that for long it will stay like that” said the kind lady. Mary laughed. “You defiantly know how to cheer someone up” Mary said like a baby. “I’m from London as well, I’ve been through all this, what you have to do is show how you feel through something your good at” She explained. “Thanks” said Mary. She wandered around thinking what to do and what it would contain. Eureka she had got it, Mary was a brilliant singer. She went straight to work. She stayed up day and night working on the song; the pen she was using was the size of her finger. She finally got the song ready. Next she headed to the salon to look good. She finally arrived in the centre of Paris. Even though she went to the salon everybody laughed at her, so she tried looking for a hood. Her music started playing and she started to sing her song. Everyone loved her song and everyone started joining in. When Mary finished her song everybody cheered, someone even hit a gong. She saw the lady who gave her advise and said thanks a lot. The lady smiled and said your welcome. Mary played in the nice beach, and said “I love this holiday, I’ll never forget it, and I want to buy myself a lovely hand made French pot”.
The end
Sunday, 25 October 2009
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3 comments:
Hi writinglover98.
Firstly, well done - I can see here that you have really tried to take on the advice that I gave you on your last piece, so thank you.
I think this piece really shows an improvement to your writing. You have tried hard to stick to one situation, in one place, and around one or two central characters, and in a short story, this is a good idea.
Be careful not to use over-used phrases, though. You don't have to start your story with 'Long time ago there was...'. Why does it have to be a long time ago?
I think the message of the story was that if you put your mind to something (like song writing), people will being to respect your creativity. And I also liked that it shows the power of one person being nice to someone when they are down. A nice message.
It might be good if you tried to break your story up a little bit into paragraphs. Whenever there is a change of scenery, or a change of time, this is a good place to start a new paragraph. This gives your story a bit more of a structure.
In all, a very good effort. Well done.
Hi writinglover98!
I'm Mechanical angel and I'm going to be you moderator from now on.
There isn't much I can add, Sophie Playle has said nearly all that can be said. :D
I think this story is great! It has lots of potential, and I love the moral. One thing I could say, is that you could space it out slightly, and the part where you said `the end` wasn't really needed but that can all be fixed!
Maybe you could add some description on how she looked.
But this piece is absolutely great but with a bit of changes you could make this fantastic!
Great work !
Mechanical Angel
Hi writinglover98
Well Done! Good work. I found this text a very interesting piece of fiction
There is not anything much left to say since the other moderators have said it all.
Just a couple of things. Try to space out your work to paragraphs. That makes the structure more interesting too.
Thats all I have got to say, and once again good piece of work!!!
Good effort
Star
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