Once upon a time noo that's not how my story is going to start it's going to start like this....
"La la la la la la"said my little sister Emily very annoyingly."Stop annoying me you twit."i shouted at my puny midgety 8 year old sister.She is quite brainy (that's a reason to make fun of her) but she is very annoying.She has curly ,back-length ,Blondie hair.She is very short for her age (That's what my dad says, i know he likes me more than the twit ,i can tell)but she's the tallest in her class because her class are full of midgets.I'm 14 years old.But that's sisters for you because I'm the tallest in my class but my class have the tallest people in the school (Including me!)."Shut up you stupid silly Reindeer Serena!"My sister shouted it very loud that my dad heard and came in the room."Why are you two arguing again you just argued lets see....(he's checking his watch because he timed us)53 seconds ago!"Screamed my dad.We could tell he was fed up with us fighting over and over again."If i hear another peep out of you two I'm going to leave you and your poor mother if that's what i have to do!"Shouted my dad sternly.We know that's a threat but it sounded like he really meant it.
What a shocking day this was...Today (sniff sniff) mum and dad had a HUGE argument out of nowhere and dad meant what he said yesterday well I'll tell you how it started.Me and Emily had a little quarrel and dad smacked Emily on the cheek and he just gave me a borrrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggg lecture.Mum had a go at him for smacking Emily and not me and for threatening us yesterday.So he remembered what he said and left the room and brang a HHHHUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEEEEE suitcase stuffed full of his stuff.Mum was shocked that she dropped a mug on her foot and it was bleeding but she didn't care.She just cared about her only husband was leaving her."Linda why did you drop that mug on your foot you clumsy bunny."said my dad like nothing was even happening.Everything was silence for a few seconds."Why are you all shocked,remember Emily and Serena Geoffrey."He said in a very nice way ."Remember what i said,another quarrel and I'm out of here."Said my dad sounding more serious than ever.Suddenly my mum came out of shock and went to give dad a huge kiss on the lips (well it was more like a snog)and wished him good luck.I can't believe she didn't care."Honey I know they are very naughty but you should go with your word."She said sounding the least bit bothered.Then she went to give him another snog this time even longer.He promised to come and visit but he thinks its time for a change.
Now we have to live in grandma's house it's very different because we never stayed there before because mum didn't trust us.Its a New Beginning.Her house is a very small squashy house but i like it.We've gotten used to not seeing dad.He sent us a picture of him and his girlfriend.At the back it said she is 2 month's pregnant.We ripped it and put it in a fire.Me and Emily agreed we have nothing to do with him.We are nice to each other now.School is not so bad our topic this term is to join junior word voodoo!
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3 comments:
Hey Biya,
I wonder if you had a chance to look at the exercises I left for you last time? I only ask, because you’ve made all the same grammar mistakes (speech and tenses especially) as you did last time, which made your story quite difficult to read. The idea of the tasks are to improve between each one, so if you are still having trouble understanding how the rules work, please post back here and I’ll happily go through them with you.
The story itself has a very strong, opinionated narrating voice, which is very good, but I wonder if you could work slightly more on showing what you want to say instead of telling us. A good writer shouldn’t spoon-feed their reader, make them do the work too! Take this line for example: ‘She is quite brainy (that's a reason to make fun of her) but she is very annoying.’ – instead of using the brackets, and then clarifying that the narrator finds her sister ‘annoying’, could you find another word for ‘brainy’ that shows she is annoying too? What about a slang term like ‘know-it-all’? Or better yet, you could take it a step further and develop a dialogue that shows the narrator is getting frustrated by her sister? Instead of just saying ‘This made be annoyed’, you could say something like ‘I went very red at her words’. The reader will guess her annoyance without you having to be explicit.
Also watch out for using descriptions you might use when you’re chatting in your writing if they are not grammatically correct. I think we discussed this with your use of ‘fantabulous’ in your poem, but saying ‘(sniff sniff)’ or elongating words like ‘boring’ or ‘huge’ make what is essentially a promising piece look sloppy.
Like I said, this is promising, but I think you need to spend a little more time over your pieces and have a look over the comments you have been given in detail before starting the next piece. Well done, though.
~Avani
Hi biya,
This piece has great potential, but just by looking at it, I knew it was going to be a bit boring.
Not because of the content, because of the presentation, its too squashed up, and it just looks rushed.
You need space, and I'm not going to go over that because Avani gave you some sites to correct it!
Instead of starting like :
`Once upon a time noo that's not how my story is going to start it's going to start like this....`
You could have gone straight in to the story:
`"La la la la la la" said my little sister, Emily very annoyingly.
I like the strong voice you use in this piece, it keeps the story fresh, sort of diary like!
Although the negatives, this piece has great potential.
Keep it up!!
Mechanical Angel
Hey Biya!
Again, very sorry for posting so late. As you've probably already gathered by now, I'm terrible at being on time....
So. Your work.
Again, I think that this story has the same problems as your last piece of work.
The storyline was great-a lot could be built around it, I just think that this story could have been extended a bit more, with added scenes and more detail. As last time, this story, in my opinion, is just an outline of the story, and it definitey can be developed furhter.
I agree with Mechanical Angel with saying that the way you have laid out this piece does make it look slightly tedious. It looks as if you have not spent a lot of thought and time on it, although im certain you have. All you need to so is space your writing out a bit more.
I did personally like your beginning-"Once upon a time, noo thats not how my story is going to start...." but I don't really thinks it's suited to the type of writing. It would be more appropriate in a re-make of a fairy tale or something like that.
Keep that sentence in mind, and use it where it is better suited, because I do think it's great!
I also really liked the way you made this piece of writing seem like a diary-this gives us a better look into the characters feelings, and as the pieece is quite informal, it lets the reader become absorbed into it, whilst not feeling awkward.
Despite all the negativity, this piece is still very promising!
Good luck on your next task, bear in mind all the feedback, and I look forward to reading your next piece!
Crazystar
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