Up all night
One summery hot afternoon a young boy called Jackson was walking along the street feeling sad because only yesterday his 1 and only birth father had died at exactly 2.30pm and precisely 36.20 seconds. So while walked along the street trying g to imagine the day when his father walked him to school for the first time .Jackson walked along the street staring at the pavement and sighing. H e just wanted to have his father back from the dead. “I think I shall go on an adventure with jenny preferable to the theme park” whispered Jackson. Jackson thought if I am going on an adventure I must ask mum .so that what he did .he went straight to his mum to ask if he was allowed to go on an adventure “sure Jackson but please go with jenny so you can look after each other wherever you end up going and please get in the Ferrari okay mum I’ll get in the car at once”. Replied Jackson. When they arrived jenny agreed that going to the theme park as their adventure was a good idea because the theme park had just brought in 25 new rides I repeat 25 NEW RIDES. Then jenny’s mum told them to get in their new car so that she could drop them of at the theme park on her way to work. When they arrived they both ran to zoomy zoom zoom. The 150 mile an hour ride .They was just in time to go on the first public ride. When they reached the top of the ride and it was actually at its highest point the most evil man arrived...THE THEME PARK ANIMATOR. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.The ride suddenly screeched to a halt with everyone screaming like bunch of crazy screaming people! Jenny suddenly got flung out of the ride and fell 10000metres.Javkson decided to jump and try to rescue jenny luckily the ride had ropes on the sides so jenny grabbed onto one of the ropes so that Jackson could grab the other rope that would hopefully lower them to safety. Thanks to the ropes they survived but their time at the theme park had only just begun they decided to try and kill THE THEME PARK ANIMATOR. They chased him and cornered him but they just couldn’t kill him finally they got him cornered in a very awkward place the front ticket desk. They kicked him they punched him but he did not die so they ended up shooting him with water[ by the way water dissolves theme park animators] then suddenly he dropped dead and dissolved .suddenly jenny mum arrived to take them home they decided to not tell their parents about their adventure. The next day they both wanted to have another adventure .They decided to go into the city of Pompeii and climb the volcano Vesuvius. First we must walk to the time travel station to get the regular time traveling machine to Pompeii. Remember all the other adventure s we’ve been on together. Let me list them all: The theme park animator, the alien of doom, the devil and finally crulla de vill doom town [the scariest], the devil roller powered by steam. Jenny here’s the train come on aren’t you coming. “Sure I’ll come with you. Do you want to know about Vesuvius before we arrive?”Said jenny. “Sure I do” said Jackson. “The facts of Vesuvius boiling lava and its very high” said jenny. “Let’s get off now were here” Jackson said let’s get climbing jenny exclaimed they climbed until jenny fell into the volcano. “HELP ME” jenny called out to Jackson. “Grab my hand and I will pull you to safety” Jackson shouted. I’ve got your hand now pull me. Said jenny. “I’m pulling hurray you’re back lets run and catch the last time travel machine back to London” exclaimed Jackson. What an adventure Jackson and jenny had.
One summery hot afternoon a young boy called Jackson was walking along the street feeling sad because only yesterday his 1 and only birth father had died at exactly 2.30pm and precisely 36.20 seconds. So while walked along the street trying g to imagine the day when his father walked him to school for the first time .Jackson walked along the street staring at the pavement and sighing. H e just wanted to have his father back from the dead. “I think I shall go on an adventure with jenny preferable to the theme park” whispered Jackson. Jackson thought if I am going on an adventure I must ask mum .so that what he did .he went straight to his mum to ask if he was allowed to go on an adventure “sure Jackson but please go with jenny so you can look after each other wherever you end up going and please get in the Ferrari okay mum I’ll get in the car at once”. Replied Jackson. When they arrived jenny agreed that going to the theme park as their adventure was a good idea because the theme park had just brought in 25 new rides I repeat 25 NEW RIDES. Then jenny’s mum told them to get in their new car so that she could drop them of at the theme park on her way to work. When they arrived they both ran to zoomy zoom zoom. The 150 mile an hour ride .They was just in time to go on the first public ride. When they reached the top of the ride and it was actually at its highest point the most evil man arrived...THE THEME PARK ANIMATOR. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.The ride suddenly screeched to a halt with everyone screaming like bunch of crazy screaming people! Jenny suddenly got flung out of the ride and fell 10000metres.Javkson decided to jump and try to rescue jenny luckily the ride had ropes on the sides so jenny grabbed onto one of the ropes so that Jackson could grab the other rope that would hopefully lower them to safety. Thanks to the ropes they survived but their time at the theme park had only just begun they decided to try and kill THE THEME PARK ANIMATOR. They chased him and cornered him but they just couldn’t kill him finally they got him cornered in a very awkward place the front ticket desk. They kicked him they punched him but he did not die so they ended up shooting him with water[ by the way water dissolves theme park animators] then suddenly he dropped dead and dissolved .suddenly jenny mum arrived to take them home they decided to not tell their parents about their adventure. The next day they both wanted to have another adventure .They decided to go into the city of Pompeii and climb the volcano Vesuvius. First we must walk to the time travel station to get the regular time traveling machine to Pompeii. Remember all the other adventure s we’ve been on together. Let me list them all: The theme park animator, the alien of doom, the devil and finally crulla de vill doom town [the scariest], the devil roller powered by steam. Jenny here’s the train come on aren’t you coming. “Sure I’ll come with you. Do you want to know about Vesuvius before we arrive?”Said jenny. “Sure I do” said Jackson. “The facts of Vesuvius boiling lava and its very high” said jenny. “Let’s get off now were here” Jackson said let’s get climbing jenny exclaimed they climbed until jenny fell into the volcano. “HELP ME” jenny called out to Jackson. “Grab my hand and I will pull you to safety” Jackson shouted. I’ve got your hand now pull me. Said jenny. “I’m pulling hurray you’re back lets run and catch the last time travel machine back to London” exclaimed Jackson. What an adventure Jackson and jenny had.
3 comments:
Hiya.
I’m not sure if you read the rules of this task properly. The task was to write a different piece of writing to last time, just using the last piece to show you what areas you could improve on. Also, this piece was supposed to be 200-300 words long, and this is 651 words long! It’s really important to stick to the word count because in exams and coursework and things you can get marks taken off for going over or under by more than 10%, so it’s really good to get into the habit of doing that now.
However, I do think this is an improvement to your last story. You’ve clearly taken on the advice about showing, not telling, as rather than tell us that Jackson is sad you’ve written that he was “staring at the pavement and sighing”. However, at the beginning you do say that he was sad.
A lot of your phrasing seems kind of strange, such as “one and only birth father”; clearly he only has one father, and ‘birth father’ isn’t really a phrase, because obviously it is not the father who gives birth! Also, I’m not sure why you choose to tell us that he died at “exactly 2.30pm and precisely 36.20 seconds”.
You use the third person here, which works well because you slip into the point of view of Jackson, and express things how he would, such as “the theme park had just brought in 25 new rides I repeat 25 NEW RIDES” this is known as free indirect discourse.
What makes this piece so strange is that you combine too many things; not only do they now have the adventure in Pompeii, but they are now having another one in a theme park. It would be much better to focus on just one adventure, and really explore as much of that as you can, rather than vaguely mention several, especially as they are not really linked.
The simile you use “everyone screaming like bunch of crazy screaming people” doesn’t work, because you’re not likening them to something different, you’re likening them to what they actually are. They’re not screaming like a bunch of crazy screaming people, because that’s what they are. Perhaps you could say something like, “everyone screaming like a boiling kettle” (or something else that screeches, but is not people).
Well done on creating tension here though; you prolong the death of the theme park animator, which adds suspense. You could draw this out even more, though, to make the piece even more exciting.
Hi bearcub
I don't think I can't add much to the comment Katie has said.
You didn't read the task properly, but this task is definately an improvement, but remember to keep your spacing right!
Also remember to keep the capital letter on the names e.g Jenny.
I like this piece and hopefully next time you will do the right task :D But great work.
Keep it up and read the task properly before posting.
Mechanical Angel
Hi bearcub!
Yes I agree with both of them there is not much to say after they clearly said it all, but yes you did make an improvement and it was alright to read however you should be careful with your spacing.
Keep up your good work and as they said read the task properly before posting.
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