SUMMER
Waking to sunlight,
Summertime weather today,
No clouds in the sky.
OUR PLANET
Our planet is big,
If you blink you'll miss it all,
Our planet is cool.
GROWING UP
4 to 5 to 6,
Growing means getting quite big,
8 to 9 to 10
WAR
Guns are shooting "BOOM",
If you don't stop war quickly,
We will all be doomed.
FAMILY
Mum, Dad and Brother,
Auntie, Uncle and Cousins,
All my family.
SCHOOL
English, Art and Maths,
D.T, P.E, there's so much,
History and trips.
FEAR
It Chills all your bones,
Fear is scary on it's own,
Fear will not leave you.
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3 comments:
Hey Prettyface,
Firstly well done on producing something of such high quality in such a short ammount of time! Haikus may appear a piece of cake but their basic principles (line length, syllable limitation etc.)yet good ones are far from easy.
To start off with your adherence to the strict syllable scheme is only disrupted twice (that I can see). Firstly in your Planet Haiku and secondly in your School Haiku. If we start with your Planet Haiku the usage of 'You'll' seems too deliberate, and as a result forced. The second time is up for debate. I just feel that the usage of individual letters (instead of syllables) seems like you're trying too 'fill' the sentence out which again feels forced and disrupts the rhythm of the Haiku.
However this comment isn't meant to be a long list of 'areas for improvement', if it was then I'd just be plain ignorant so let's get positive!
I think that underneath the surface of these Haikus lies a deeper meaning, deep down lies something brilliant. This is particularly apparent in your war poem but even more so your fear Haiku. In this particular Haiku I love the way you describe fear as an 'living' thing 'fear will not leave you'. Brilliant!
Overall another well executed task Prettyface. The only real area for improvement is one of prefrence, I still feel as if there's more to come from you and I think it's a shame that's not showing in your tasks. Dare to be Different!
I'm sure you'll use your own along with my feedback to shut me up ? Well I mean I hope you do :)
Keep on believing in yourself, and never let anyone tell you you're not good enough.
(You clearly are!)
Carlsberger.
Hi PRETTYFACE,
I would like to start by apologising for keeping you waiting! I'm afraid to say I had a little end of term homework to finish before I could begin moderating.
As usual, your work is quirky and is an absolute pleasure to read because I am always guaranteed a smile! However, there is also a serious side to your writing ego; it is good to see you can appropriately handle humour and oppression (being gloomy or sad) without losing track of realism. To have a healthy balance of juxtaposing (contrasting or comparing) emotions is very important for the effect you want to give to your audience. It is almost like sending your reader on a roller coaster ride: words can evoke so much - the reader can feel happy, then sad or even both at the same time, but only if you have that control, which you certainly have. An example of this would be the third line of the seventh stanza: "Fear will not leave you." What a powerful line to end such a powerful haiku! I feel that "Fear" has the most potential out of all your poems and I would also like to express how impressed I am with your use of how you have portrayed fear almost like a playground bully - it torments people, but is weak and insecure inside. (Second line, stanza seven: "Fear is scary on it's own".)By swapping "scary" for "scared" you will be able to express this more clearly.
Overall, you have managed to follow all the rules for a sucessful haiku, and I like your inclusion of half - rhymes, which are harder to demonstrate than conventional rhyming words, such as: "BOOM" and "doomed", "bones" and "own". But I do agree with Carlsberger where he addresses that by using numbers and single letters makes your poem less natural and more restricted. Moreover, you seem to use lists of things we already know to explain your family, school and growing up. Why not talk about more interesting subjects such as what your packed lunch or school dinners are like? Do you prefer Mum's thick, home - made custard or the school's sloppier version? Do you have any favourite cousins? What would it be like to be an only child? By adding more personal subjects in your writing, you allow the audience to either relate to or disagree with your opinions, which can create a better bond between the reader and the writer.
Criticism aside, I am fascinated about how a eight, nine or ten year old can produce such jaw - dropping work. Keep up the good work - you'll go far . . .
Hi PRETTYFACE,
I enjoyed reading these Haikus. It was great to see that you managed to stick to the amount of syllables required for each line, as this is often very tricky to do.
My favourite Haiku was 'Fear' as I liked the sensation created by 'chills all your bones' and the idea that 'fear will not leave you.' I also liked the message of your poem 'War'; that if we don't stop fighting 'we will all be doomed.' It is difficult to get a message like this into a poem of so few lines- so well done.
I felt that you could have used the other titles you were given in a similar way- to create poems that give a message to the reader. For example, 'Our Planet' gives you a brilliant opportunity to talk about the environment, about pollution and the danger of our planet heating up. Giving the reader such a message through poetry is a great way of making them think about a topic, like you did with your haiku 'War.'
I also felt that some of your Haikus were not very personal to you, I would have liked to have seen more of your own individual thoughts/hopes/feelings in them. For example for 'Growing up' you could write more about what this means to you. What do you want to do when you are older? Does growing up scare you or are you excited about being an adult one day? With 'Family' you could write about a certain person in your family and what they mean to you/ a memory of a special day when you went out with your family/ what it is like to have a brother- do you always get on or do you argue sometimes?
I know you have a brilliant imagination as I have read your original ideas in your other work. I feel that you should try to put some more of this imagination into your Haikus. Think of some new and interesting ways to describe ‘School’ or ‘Summer.’ There are only three lines in a Haiku, so these lines must be full of meaning and have complex ideas and interesting language.
Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading your next post!
Shadi
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