Tuesday, 28 July 2009

When I was young I was very silly,

People would say how cute and sweet I was.

They warned me not to eat the chili,

I asked them why but they just said because.



Now I am ten I can now think for me,

I can do what I want well not really.

Just a little older then I'm FREE,

Now people call me silly billy.
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3 comments:

eternity.forever. said...

Hey Freyastar,

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to comment on your task. I'm sure that your other moderators will be along shortly to comment on your fab Task 4, but until they do so, I shall attempt to try my best at picking apart your strengths and minor weaknesses.

How honest you are, Freyastar.
Something I did as a kid was deny how young (and as you say, "silly") people made me feel, so it's lovely to see that you've notioned towards your growing responsibility in the second stanza.

It's good to see that you're confident with the words you're using, such as "cute" and "sweet"; but how about stretching the edges of your vocabulary? Cute and sweet kind of mean adorable, don't they? Using one word instead of two can give yourself a little more room to squeeze in some in imagination.

Your hint at freedom in the second stanza is sweet. To tick the boxes for similes and metaphors, why don't you try to present freedom as a simile. Something along the lines of "Like a freefalling feather, I'll be free" would be a lovely touch.

Picking up on a couple of things you could improve on, there are a few lines that are lacking the needed ten syllables by one or two syllables each. If it would help, re-read each line carefully and use your fingers to count the syll-a-bles in each line. By adding a word or two in the lines that need them, you can fix this. The last line in stanza two, for example, could be fixed like this: "Now everyone calls me silly billy." It'll be quick, and I'm sure you'll learn from your mistakes.

Your rhyme scheme is perfect, so there's nothing to worry about there. :)

Just a thing you should watch out regarding a couple of sentences. "I asked them why but they just said because"/"I can do what I want well not really" sound a little off when you first read them. The other moderators will probably be able to give better feedback about how to fix them, but I would re-write them to be the following: I asked them why, but they just said: "Because-"./I can do what I want (well, not really). Punctuation can be used to break up the tricky parts, but look out for what your other mods recommend. :)

I hope I've been helpful, and that I also hope that you had a great summer holiday. Thank you for a lovely Task 4, and again, I'm sorry for the late comment.

Have a good weekend,

E.

10 September 2009 at 19:32
Andy Parrott said...

Hi, freyastar

Sorry to have kept you waiting with my comments. I can see that eternity_forever has given you some great feedback already, so there isn't really much more that needs saying, but I'd like to go through some things anyway.

You've done well with your syllable counting. It's not easy by any means, and you've got it mostly right. Watch out for 'warned' in line three. It's a relatively long word, so you'd think there'd be two syllables there, but there's actually one. Think about the way your mouth moves when you say 'chilli', then compare it to 'warned.' You'll feel that there are two disinct movements for chil-i, but only one big one for warned.

I love your rhymes, and the fact that you begin and end on 'silly.' Cool stuff. Eternity's already addressed the lines that could be tidied up a bit - it's hard when you're doing things to a strict syllable count, but you should be able to make each line sound like something you'd really say - so for example with 'now I am ten I can now think for me.' It makes sense if you think about it, but if you said it to one of your friends they might say '...What?'

If anything poetry needs to be clearer than spoken language, because you won't be there to explain your ideas when someone read it.

This is a fun poem, with good rhymes, a good demonstration of syllable counting and some cool ideas - well done. I look forward to your next piece. Take care,

Andy

12 September 2009 at 11:51
crazystar said...

Hey Freyastar,

I should start off by saying how REALLY TRULY sorry I am for posting so late. I've been loaded down with homework, even if it is just the first week of school...so, yeah, very, very sorry about that!

I think that eternity.forever and Andy Parrott have pretty much said everything that I was thinking.

You did a really good job with the syllable count-its something that can be really difficult, but you seemed to have coped with it very well, although there were some small glitches in a few lines, which the oher moderators have already pointed out. On the whole, though, well done!!!
I liked how honest you were in the first poem-admitting how silly you were. It's not something that most people would like to admit, but I liked the way you incorporated it into your poem!
I liked your second poem as well-you showed how you've grown up a bit, and you're more independant.

I agree with both of the other moderators that some of your lines are a tad confusing when they are read for the first time-for example, the line "I can do what I want well not really" does sound a bit off. I think that if you had added punctuation into it, it would have been less blurry.
"I can do what I want-well, not really!" is clearer.

I do hope you understand what I'm trying to say-like I've told you before, if you don't, please ask me!

I dont have many major issues with your work-generally, I very much enjoyed it. It's fun and contains some very good ideas.

All that's left to say is well done, and I look forward to reading your next piece!
Have a good weekend!
~Crazystar

12 September 2009 at 17:36

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