When I was young, I had no sense of smell.My noiseless nose could not participate.
I couldn't play the piano very well:
The noise I made would only irritate.
Now I am nine, my hands can memoriseEach sequence, finger ballet on the keys.
My nostrils have been taken by surprise:
Scent friends and stink bullies fly in the breeze.
3 comments:
I really did have no sense of smell until I was 7!
Allspark.T
Hi Allspark,
Another excellent poem. Hope you've had (are having?) a good break. I love the use of synaesthesia (you gave me "Amygdala" - do you know this one?) The "noiseless nose" links smell and sound, the difficulty playing piano with the difficulty smelling. The "irritation" each causes (though I imagine the lack of smell was more than irritating?) - why do I think of sneezing? irritation, noisy nose. The images are playing around in my head. They wouldn't if the lines were cliched. Thanks!
At first we're not sure what the link is, but it becomes pretty clear in the second stanza.
While, with practice, you master the keyboard, refine it into (lovely phrase) "finger ballet"; the sudden (?) ability to smell is a "surprise" which produces the fresh, joyful, exuberant line:
"Scent friends and stink bullies fly in the breeze."
These compact descriptions ( "scent friends"; "stink bullies" ) are incredibly poetic. You create links where others would write plain prose. You seem to be very comfortable with these "unusual" constructions. Great!
Keep pushing yourself to create these dense images. Some of the lines are more plain (see line 3 - is the rhythm a bit clunky here? maybe look at that one again) but they build to that wonderful ending.
This experience you've had is difficult for most to understand. (The reason for the question marks above.) You actually have the ability at such a young age to convey this through poetry. Just a thought for future, longer poems. If you want you could maybe explore these connections with other senses (touch, taste etc.) Lots of potential here for fascinating work.
I'm sure the other moderators will also enjoy the "play" of the images in their own readings.
pax
Hey Allspark,
Terribly sorry that it took such a long time for me to comment on your task. I've obviously missed out on your wonderful Task 4; let me try to make it up to you. :)
I agree with Pugnax, the play on your images is fantastic - really sensual - and it's a skill that you should be extremely proud of. I really do love the image that "finger ballet" produces, a vibrant jive across the delicate keys of a piano. Really amazing stuff.
I shall also be producing irritating very soon - I'm getting my keyboard on Sunday. ;)
You manage to connect us to both your past and present personality with this poem. It's your unique choice of words and phrases ("scent friends"/"stink bullies") that helps you to characterise and paint yourself, something that is very difficult to do without actual paint, I'm sure. :)
As each task passes, you're showing that you have a very strong ability to manipulate words to suit a meaning, whilst also creating an image to walk hand-in-hand with it. Continue to do this, and you will begin to stretch to your full potential.
Thanks for yet another great task. Hope you had a fantastic summer, and apologies yet again for being so incredibly late.
All the best,
E.
Post a Comment