A Strange Adventure!
"This is so boring. I don't want to visit a museum with dull Victorian things ,"moaned Susan as she walked into the museum with her friend Sara. So they both ran outside and found a strange bush which lead to a deep dark cave. Susan was just about to go down when Sara stammered," M...Maybe we should go back," "Don't be such a wimp,"Susan replied.Then they both slid down the rope and found an enormous chest full of jewels,ruby's diamonds,pearls and gold! The girls were speechless! Suddenly they heard voices so they ran behind a rock. Out of the shadows appeared two robbers."When will we become rich?"asked one robber "Soon, just be quiet and listen.We need to make a plan on how to sneak the treasure out of this vault." Then the two robbers disappeared in the darkness. The girls were stunned. "Let's tell the museum about this." said Sara. So they both climbed up the rope and told the whole museum.Within minutes the police arrived and they captured the robbers The museum thanked Sara and Susan and from that time on Sara and Susan never ran away again!!
"This is so boring. I don't want to visit a museum with dull Victorian things ,"moaned Susan as she walked into the museum with her friend Sara. So they both ran outside and found a strange bush which lead to a deep dark cave. Susan was just about to go down when Sara stammered," M...Maybe we should go back," "Don't be such a wimp,"Susan replied.Then they both slid down the rope and found an enormous chest full of jewels,ruby's diamonds,pearls and gold! The girls were speechless! Suddenly they heard voices so they ran behind a rock. Out of the shadows appeared two robbers."When will we become rich?"asked one robber "Soon, just be quiet and listen.We need to make a plan on how to sneak the treasure out of this vault." Then the two robbers disappeared in the darkness. The girls were stunned. "Let's tell the museum about this." said Sara. So they both climbed up the rope and told the whole museum.Within minutes the police arrived and they captured the robbers The museum thanked Sara and Susan and from that time on Sara and Susan never ran away again!!
4 comments:
lovely story.i really liked the setting
I really liked the story, it was fantastic
Hey Screamer,
Welcome to Wordvoodoo Jnr. The annoying little sister of its bigger brother. I look forward to moderating your future pieces and guiding you through the labyrinth of creativity!
Let's start with your piece. To begin I love your ability to 'map' your mind on the page, which is one of the essential skills that any fictional writer should possess in order to become sparkling. You don't seem to restrict your thoughts and (although this can have a negative effect on some fictional pieces) I really like the way it adds depth to this narrative.
Now moving onto the really pessimistic stuff. Although this piece is packed full of creativity, I sometimes feel as if you have sacrificed some key factors in order to release this imagination. Let me explain, for example you seem to either forget or you're simpy not aware to implement paragraphs and basic formatting into your piece. As I said earlier I really like your capability to write so bodly yet I just feel that sometimes your writing oversteps the line a bit.
To put that simply think of it this way. Imagine somebody challenged you to eat as much Ice Cream as you could within an hour. Sure it'd taste really nice to start off with, but after a while the flavor would mellow out and you'd want anohter dimension to revitalize your tastebuds.
All in all Screamer this piece 'screams' potential, I just feel as if you need to harness this potential in order for it to achieve what it's truly capable of.
Look forward to future pieces and don't be afraid to enquire for more information.
Carlsberger.
Screamer, hi there and well done for your story. It's fast-paced and exciting, and written with almost no mistakes and errors – the only thing I'd point out is that "ruby's" should be "rubies". And there is the odd missed full stop (after "'When will be become rich?' asked one robber" and after "they captured the robbers") and the odd space missing, where words run together. Other than that, it reads absolutely fine. No major grammar or spelling errors.
What I like most about it is its sense of excitement – you can tell right from the start that this is a real adventure, and there is not a single sentence in it that detracts from that sense of adventure.
So, in terms of the five key things that englishguru pointed out, you have got i) an amazing opening, ii) a certain amount of tension and suspense and v) a reasonably polished final draft.
The areas where I think your story is a bit lacking are iii) poetic language and iv) originality. Poetic language is less of a problem for me – this is an adventure story, and the excitement levels are kept high by moving along quickly all the time. Slowing down to describe things poetically could spoil things. But originality – here I think you need to do a bit more work. Basically, once the two girls discover the treasure, then nothing particularly unsurprising happens. There are no twists or turns or shocks.
This is, also, where tension and suspense comes in. There is some tension right at the beginning, because the girls have run away from their school group (in fact you don’t say it’s a school group, but I assume it’s a school visit) but it doesn’t really ‘build up’ from here - except for the moment when Sara is worried that they should go back.
Here are two suggestions of how to increase the tension:
i) once the girls have decided to run back out of the museum, right at the start, what would happen if they saw one of the teachers standing by the entrance, or walking towards them? Would they have to hide? To run? To sneak past them? This would increase the suspense that's already there, because the girls are breaking the school trip rules.
ii) what would happen if one of the robbers saw them in the cave? Or heard them? Would there be a chase? Would they have to climb the rope back out of the cave extra-quick? And perhaps pull it up after them, to trap the robbers? What if they were pulling the rope up with a robber dangling off the end, looking up at them?
Both of these are quick ideas of changes that would increase the tension, and so increase the excitement and adventure. There would stop the story running so 'easily' from its great opening to its happy ending.
I look forward to reading your next piece.
Jonathan
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