One summery hot afternoon a young boy called Jackson was walking along the street feeling sad. While he was walking down the street it started to rain then he felt like he needed an adventure to brighten up his day .Jackson thought if I am going on an adventure I must ask mum .so that what he did .he went straight to his mum to ask if he was allowed to go on an adventure “sure but you must take jenny work so you don’t go alone but you now if you’re going to jenny’s house I will drop you off because it’s on my way to work. “Said his mum. Please get in the Ferrari Jackson.” okay mum I’ll get in the car at once”. Replied Jackson. When they arrived Jackson asked jenny what adventure they should go on. They decided to go into the city of Pompeii and climb the volcano Vesuvius.se First we must walk to the train station to get the regular train to Pompeii. Remember all the other adventure s we’ve been on together. Let me list them all: The theme park animator, the alien of doom, the devil and finally crulla de vill doom town [the scariest], the devil roller powered by steam. Jenny here’s the train come on aren’t you coming. “Sure I’ll come with you. Do you want to know about Vesuvius before we arrive?”Said jenny. “Sure I do” said Jackson. “The facts of Vesuvius boiling lava and its very high” said jenny. “Let’s get off now were here” Jackson said let’s get climbing jenny exclaimed they climbed until jenny fell into the volcano. “HELP ME” jenny called out to Jackson. “Grab my hand and I will pull you to safety” Jackson shouted. I’ve got your hand now pull me. Said jenny. “I’m pulling hurray you’re back lets run and catch the last train to London” exclaimed Jackson. What an adventure Jackson and jenny had.
Sunday, 20 September 2009
A Strange Adventure
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5 comments:
Hi Bearcub!
Wow, this sure is an action-packed story! Be careful that you don’t put too much action in though, in a short space of time, because it can feel really false and rushed. It’s important to make sure that you get emotions into your story too. You start well with this, by telling us that he’s sad, but it may be better to show us that he’s sad, rather than tell us. For example, you could say, “he was walking down the street, staring at the ground with a sigh,” or something like that, which shows us that he’s sad without you having to tell us—does that make sense?
It’s really interesting that you’ve made it rain when he’s feeling sad. This is known as pathetic fallacy (if you’re interested), where the weather surrounding a person reflects the mood that they’re in. This is a really useful device.
What really strikes me about this story is that there doesn’t seem to be much causality. Causality is when something happens and it causes something else to happen. So somebody could be wearing new shoes, and because of this, they fall over, as they’re not used to them. In your story, Jackson suddenly decides to go on an adventure, and just so happens to choose to go to Pompeii, and Jenny simply falls into a volcano. When you write, really think about why a character does something, and what their motives behind it are.
Also, this story isn’t really plausible. It’s not necessary to have a story happen only within the boundaries of what could actually take place (for example, wizards clearly don’t exist, but Harry Potter is still a good book!), but it’s important to make these unrealistic events seem like they could happen. So, your characters can go to Pompeii, but how could they get there by train? You would have to invent a time machine or something in order for them to get back to the ancient town.
I hope this helps, and that you can see how you can further develop your stories in the future to create a really stimulating chain of events.
Looking forward to your next piece!
Katie
Hey Bearcub, I agree with Katie this is an action-packed story however you must be careful not to put too much in a short space of time so it might look like its rushed etc..
I also think that instead of putting lots of sentences together you can use paragraphs to make it more efficient to read. However I think your sentences were really interesting especially the part near the end:
“HELP ME” jenny called out to Jackson. “Grab my hand and I will pull you to safety” Jackson shouted. I’ve got your hand now pull me. Said jenny. “I’m pulling hurray you’re back lets run and catch the last train to London” exclaimed Jackson."
This sentence uses quite a lot of tension which I very much liked, but Ithink you should have slowed down and described it a bit more in detail.
Hopefully my advice comes in handy, I look forward into reading your next work.
SmArT FlAmE
Hi bearcub!
Not much really to say!! I agree with the other moderators.
GRAMMAR!!!
You have improved, what I suggest that you do is:
1. Type your story in Microsoft word.
2. It'll show spelling mistakes, gramatical errors e.t.c - BUT I want you to see your mistake, how you can fix it and never do it again, I DON'T want you to just right-click on every mistake and let it get fixed and not learn anything from it!
3. Copy it in to your blogger new post
4. Customise if you wish e.g. colour and font
5. Publish!!
Easy as ABC! And once you start to improve your grammar then you can carry on as normal, trust me it works.
But overall great work, great ideas just fix a few things then you can aim higher.
Mechanical Angel :D
3.
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