"Aah,bliss."said Rani.No body's here except for Rani but she enjoys it.She can do whatever she wants without anybody telling her what to do.Suddenly there was a knock on the door."Whoa that scared me,it must be mum coming to apologise."Nobody really visits Rani because she had a fight with her family, they wouldn't let her stay that's how bad it was.Rani walked to the door and opened it.That was a surprise it wasn't mum,dad or Sabrina (her sister).It was somebody she had never seen before."Hello."said the stranger."Do i know you."Said Rani."You do now."said the stranger."My name is sally,i moved in next door."said sally joyfully."I finished unpacking my stuff so i thought I'd just meet the neighborhood"."I'm Rani it's a pleasure to meet you."Said Rani. "I better go now i have to go now i want to meet everyone."Sally left.Rani found her beautiful scarf in her hand's."Wait you forgot your scarf!" Shouted Rani."Keep it as a gift from me!"Shouted sally.Rani knew they were going to be great friends. She shut the door and got ready for work.She wore the scarf that sally gave her.Suddenly there was another knock on the door." I'm lucky girl ,people are noticing me."She opened the door and guess who was there her mum ,her brother and even her dad was here.Rani was in tears.They all apologised and hugged each other.This was the best day of Rani's life.
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4 comments:
Your story was really good, I'm glad Rani's family came back
Hi Biya!
Well I have to say this story has great substance!
I think you have great ideas and it shows but, you can make it flourish!
You can do this by making this piece longer, giving more information about your character, Rani, who is she, what was this 'fight' about, how is she feeling.
You also mentioned that she likes being alone and how she can do whatever she wants without anybody telling her what to do, however you have not described her house how it is like, even the smallest of details would created an image in our minds you could have said:
Rani lives alone in this Chelsea flat, it maybe abit on the messy side but thats how Rani likes it!
I don't know if you watch any reality shows but the person that speaks overhead only really tells the minor details, and this is just abit how you have told this story. Don't be scared to think outside the box, and write some wacky stuff, because at the end of it you will have a great piece.
Poetic lines sometimes give the most effect. And it seems as if you haven't yet mastered the skill of poetically influencing fiction but I think you are capable of harder things you are ready for some challenges.
Remember I was once at the same stage you are at now, and I knew I was ready for a challenge but it was never given to me, you are luckier because you have got wordvoodoo jnr and you have moderators ready to help you!
Ok, now for the part you should do, it'll help you to progress,
you could be reaching higher and this could give you an insight of how to use poetry in stories.
I want you go on www.wordvoodoo.blogspot.com
You will find all sorts of fiction, but the main task i want you to see is TASK 41, I want you to realise where the poetry is and how it has been put to add effect.
This is not a boring task this is like reading a book, you'll like some and others you will simply not understand or dislike, this is only human so don't worry so much.
I want you to pick up some techniques that you can use, not copy and paste!
I hope you understood and do the following as it'll help and if you don't then its just not helping yourself and wasting useful information!
Fantastic work, you should be proud! Now lets aim higher!
Mechanical Angel :D
Hey Biya!
I agree with Mechanical Angel-I do believe that this story does have great substance!
I liked your ideas and the storyline, and i do believe that it definitely has the potential of being great!
I think that the main thing that your story lacked was detail. I think that if maybe you had included a little more detail, your story would've been more intriguing.
In my opinion, your story was a basic outline-it was enough to make sense, but it didn't include everything. You could've included a lot more information, such as WHY Rani no longer spoke to her family, or WHY her parents did end up coming back in the end.
You should never be afraid of letting your imagination run wild-it could make all the difference! Even the merest of description can be very effective.
I think you should take Mechanical Angel's advice and take a look at some of the work on the wordvoodoo blog-you never know, it may give you some inspiration-I'm not saying you should copy and paste though! Just try and get an idea of what makes a good, descriptive and intriguing piece of writing.
All in all, however, I think you have made a tremendous amount of effort in this task, and it is a fantastic piece of work!
I'm proud of you!
~Crazystar~
Hey Biya – I’m very, very late, but I’m here. I’ve had some internet problems, but I won’t bore you with the details. Just please accept my apologies
This is a very sweet story, with lots of potential. I think the others have given you great ideas on how to develop it, which if you follow will certainly benefit your work, so I’m going to focus on some of the more nitty gritty and boring details. We all hate grammar – but ultimately it is essential and once you’ve sat down and learnt it all, you’re sorted for life.
If you look at your story, it is blocked in one big paragraph. This makes it very difficult to read and follow. Not only are you supposed to begin a new paragraph (either by leaving a line, or indenting), but there are also a few rules for when you are writing speech. You’ve begun to get to grips with these by using speech marks, but there are a few more things you need to learn. Try going through the exercises on this website: http://www.dailygrammar.com/archive.shtml , and if you are still confused with your formatting then feel free to ask me, or I am sure your teachers will be happy to help.
Secondly, and this is just a small point, but nouns. Proper nouns (names) must be capitalised. This means you should not write ‘Lucy’ with a small ‘l’, but a capital one (L).
Lastly, I think it might help you if you read through your work. Some of your tenses are slightly muddled and you mix up the past with the present. A quick scan of your verbs should sort that out though. Again, if you would like help, feel free to post back with a question.
Overall though a good piece with heaps of promise.
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