I wake with a start as the car door slams shut. It is December 24th, so I rush down to get my sweet for Advent. Once I have eaten my sweet, I check the time. It is 07:56. I open the door and standing in front of me is a man that is basically Rudolph. He has a red nose (he is sneezing), hair practically all over his face and a pair of dressing-up antlers. "Delivery for Mr Eravad," he says.
"I'm his son," I say.
"Give it to him will ya? I'm on a tight schedule here!" and he shuts the door. Hm, I wonder what's inside? It could be my Christmas present! Mum and Dad are coming down here now. I have torn open the box. It is a pile of bills.
"What are you doing, son?!"
"Taking in post, Dad," I say.
"But those are our bills!"
"I know, Dad."
"Oh, great. Absolutely great," says Dad.
"Don't you talk to our son like that!" They start a row. They have never argued before, so I feel scared and worried about what might happen. Before I even have time to think about what to do, two men in black dinner suits take Mum and Dad away from me and shut the door. Why? I do not know.
The men are not after me, they are after Mum and Dad. So what can I do? Nothing, apart from look at the bills. They are not bills. They are messages. "Evacuate!" one says. "Get out!" says another. People were trying to save my parents. But from what? I do not know.
I think they have forgotten about me. But something tells me they are going to come for me eventually anyway.
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1 comment:
Hi Allspark,
Sorry for the wait. Also that this is your last piece, at least for this year. Good luck on the upcoming exams.
This piece demonstrates both your unique strengths and things which you can look to work on or keep in mind for the future.
As your poetry showed, your imagination creates startling, unexpected images and events. The appearance of the men in dinner suits is surprising, but in a low-key way. You don't loudly announce or give hints to these twists - this tone makes them more effective. I also imagine there is some true cleverness behind the unusual name Eravad. I'll have fun continuing to puzzle over that.
Things to work on:
see last assignments comment on words like "Once" , "Before" which actually slow down th pace by marking the time
also (and writers with much more experience have trouble with this)
try not to reveal too much of the action or mystery
for instance: "The men are not after me...." and "People are trying to save my parents..."
the excellent repetition of "I do not know" is a good place to put your reader. It's not your job to explain everything to them. Keep them (and even yourself!) guessing and your extraordinary imagination will take you and the reader in directions which only you can create.
The dialogue is excellent, very natural and compact.
The prose flows well. I'd like to see you include some of the wondrous sounds and rhythms of your poetry in your prose as well. Think of each sentence as a line of poetry.
It's been a true pleasure reading your work, Allspark, and hope to read more in future. For now I'll wish you a long, fulfilling and happy life of writing.
peace,
pugnax
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