The magical wishbone
I woke with a start as the car door slammed shut and that was just the start of my amazing adventure. it all began one Sunday lunchtime.mum was cooking the Sunday roast .dad was mowing the lawn and I was watching shrek.mum had just taken the chicken out of the oven and began to carve it when she called me to the kitchen. She told me to get dad because she had just found the wishbone. I won and made a wish.
My wish came true. The next morning I was whisked away to mars {the red planet}.It was my dream come true!”Wow is that a Martian over there”. I went over to one and said “do you speak my language”. It only said”warooh warooh”. I was just beginning to miss home but I told myself to keep on exploring. I found a Martian antenna key ring and I put it in my pocket. I went home despite my early thoughts. So I went home in a wonderful alien space ship.
The next day I told my class, but no one believed me until I showed them the alien antenna key ring. The teachers told me to send it to the government for further investigation. I sent it to them. When I got home the next day there was a news flash. It said...’’ YOUNG GIRL AGE 10 FINDS ALIEN LIFE ON MARS’’! I was so shocked1 the very next morning I was rewarded for my courage and my hospitality with aliens. I was given a glorious mansion, 5 million pounds. It was great. I got forty cats. Me and my parents all lived happily in our mansion and we always eat chicken just in case I had more luck. But something told me they would come for me anyway
2 comments:
sorry im late
Hi Bearcub!
Sorry it's taken me a while to comment on this!
This is a good story, as I can really see your progression from the last one. You've clearly taken care to ensure that the narrative makes sense and that each thing happens BECAUSE OF something before it. This is so important, because otherwise a story just feels like a list of unconnected bullet points. So well done!
However, I don't feel that you've really stuck to the task that well. You did put the first and last sentences in as you were supposed to do, but they aren't actually connected to the story. The first sentence says that you "woke up", but then you go on to say that it was Sunday lunchtime and you were watching TV. Also, the last sentence is kind of just tacked on... who would come for you., and despite what?
Also, your grammar slips up in a few places, especially right at the beginning. Simple things like forgetting to put capital letters at the beginning of sentences are so important.
I like the fact that you thought to bring some evidence home with you to show everyone. But make sure when you're writing that things happen how they really WOULD happen. The government certainly wouldn't get round to rewarding you the very next day, and the reward is so unlikely (even though that would be great!).
I like the use of humour at the end, where you have chicken just in case it happens again! One more thing I would suggest is that you try and include some more emotion in your writing. When something happens, tell us how you (or your narrator) feels about it, perhaps using some good similies or metaphors.
I enjoyed reading, this, though. Keep up the good work!
Katie
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