Friday, 10 July 2009

Haikus

Our planet
The planet is big
We have a lovely planet
The best in the world

Growing up
Growing up is cool
Everybody supports you
Lovely people here

Summer
We have summer here
Summer is now around me
Summer is here now

Family
Family and friends
Are here for me all the time
Familys are cool

School
School is warm for me
In school we are a team
School is a good place

War
War is a cruel thing
What things do you gain from it
Why do you do war

Fear
Fear is a feeling
Its hurtful and terrible
I would never have fear
Posted by at
Labels: ,

2 comments:

Mechanical angel said...

Hey Biya

Once again wonderful attempt! I see that you have thought about your haikus and created a lovely piece of work, so well done.

In word voodoo jnr you are taught things for a reason, you were taught simlies and the reason for being taught simlies was because you were to use them in the future, I'm not saying it's nessesary to use simlies but it would make your work more interesting, now you may be thinking how, well you could do in anyway you please, you could continue the first line on to the second line just so that it can be kept within the syllable count.

The Syllable count is great but only two glitches:

2nd line of school:
In school we are a team
missing 1 syllable

you could have said with out changing the meaning:

In school we are a great team

And the second glitch was:
last line fear:

I would never have fear
1 extra syllable

you could say:

I will never fear!

One other thing its ok to use punctuation, for me, I don't know about anyone else but punctuation e.g !, adds personality and I don't know if that makes sence to you, but please ask if it doesn't, after all I am here to help!

And like I said to bearcub,

If anything that you learn from what I have said is I really want you to know this,

Re-reading your work can change your work from being a level 4 to a level 5, an A to an A*, and If you dont do so you will regret it and it wont come to your advantage. SO re-read, and remember writing can never be perfect it can always be changed to make it better :)

Well done. you have a brilliant, creative piece of work.

Keep it up!

Mechanical Angel

17 July 2009 at 23:00
Avani said...

Ah...the haiku.

They’re hard, aren’t they? They’re also one of my favourite forms of poetry and you’ve done a really good job at grasping the idea. There were one or two discrepancies in your syllable count, but as the others have gone through these with you, I won’t focus on it again. As they’ve pointed out, they are easy things to fix though and I’m sure I speak for them as well when I say we’d love to see what you can come up with!

Oh but, Biya, where is that imagination that we know and love hiding away? You know what I mean, the mind that created ‘The sun is the end of my shoelace’ and ‘as crazy as a rapper’? I know we’ve all advised you to stay away from that rhyme trap, but I’m wondering if you have gone too much in the other direction in the task. You have given really good descriptions of what each thing means to you, but they are also very basic statements. One of the greatest things about haikus, for me, is how you can convey such a lot in such a few amount of words. In some of your haikus, I feel you are beginning to explore this idea well (war and fear especially) and in others (family and summer especially) I feel like you are using different words to repeat the same ideas. In both cases I think a little more playing around you could get some of your imaginative ideas in. I really do agree with what Mechanical angel said about using other things you have learnt within the haiku. I know it’s hard with such a rigid structure, but once you manage the satisfaction of overcoming a challenge is one of the best feelings that come with writing!

What else? Punctuation, eh? I think, this might be another one of those things I disagree with the other two moderators on, so remember these are all just opinions and it’s up to you to take what you think is the best from each of us. Traditionally, or so I was taught, the haiku form doesn’t actually require punctuation. Of course, part of being creative, and especially in terms of writing poetry, it is very important to learn the rules simply so that you can break them to create and effect. Here’s where what Mechanical angel said comes into play – an exclamation mark can really go a long away in showing an emotion behind the words, but think about how much more effective it would be if it was the only piece of punctuation in the entire poem. Does that make sense? I don’t believe that things like capital letters, full stops and commas are always vital within poetry (generally, not necessarily the haiku), as crazystar suggested, but used in the right places they can help enhance an effect or mood. Remember that a haiku is minimalist so anything extra that you put in – be it a syllable or some form of punctuation – will go noticed by the reader, who will wonder why you decided to make this choice.

Actually, before I finish, I think that’s another thing I should point out. Remember that as a writer you have choices. One of the things that appeals to me so much about writing is the control it gives me, which is something that’s not necessarily possible in real life. So you don’t have to always write down the first thing that comes into your head. If not every word, then think about every sentence and ask yourself why chose to that instead of something else. What effect does it give when you read back? I said before that rules are made for breaking, but remember if you are going to break them, there should be a reason for it.

In all, a fair piece, but I’d like to see some more of the imagination you showed us in the first two tasks. Use what you’ve learnt in the next task. I’m sorry this response was so late by the way and even sorrier that as I’m backpacking throughout August my next one will be late too. I promise that I will read and respond to everything you write when I get back in September though. Well done!

25 July 2009 at 15:48

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)