Planet Earth
Peaceful world of God,
Lovely flowers are joyful,
Cool water ahead.
Fear
Sleeping scared in bed,
things are coming to haunt you,
think of happy dreams.
War
Guns blazing in fire,
use all your guns in battle,
attack rebel armies
Summer
A nice hot cool breeze,
cool shade under lovely trees,
calm water in sight.
School
Maths and literacy,
ICT and Golden time,
Sex education.
Growing up
Going to go high,
gonna grow up into space,
C'mon,I need to grow.
Family
Do you love your family,
your family care about you
do you love them more?
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4 comments:
sorry dboggs99. im late in assessing your work, but again i got tied up in school business.
i really liked your poems as you have used ingenious ways of manipulating words to fit the structure of syllable rule.
but it seems as though you have made the same common mistake made by "bearcub" (im sure you know him/her). in the haikus of "War" and "Growing up" you have broken the syllabe rules of haikus that the task had explained to you about.
other than this i really liked your haikus and found them interesting!
Hi dboggs99 - I was really impressed by some of your haikus. I'm rubbish at writing haikus myself and so am a little jealous at how well you've done some of them.
Fear is great - wouldn't change a thing with that. The same with School - it gave a nice picture of school life - though maybe think of putting a hyphen between ICT and golden time. Growing up I would again leave as it is. It really gives a great sense of urgency.
At first with Summer I wasn't sure about the hot cool breeze as it seems contradictory but actually breezes in summer can be both warm and cooling so it did make me feel that. Change cool in line 2 though.
Again with cool in Planet Earth - Im sure you could easily think of a more descriptive word than that. The same feeling with lovely - you can do better.
The only haiku I felt didn't really work was the last one as it just felt a bit weak. Maybe look at examining the family from another perspective - perhaps that of resolving conflict?
All in all though I am very impressed with your work :)
Hi dboggs99.
I am sorry for being late in assessing your work but I have been really ill lately.
Well firstly good haikus, I especially like your war haiku.
Impressing work.
your family, school and war haikus start with 6 syllables so Just make sure you have 5 syllables in the first line , 7 in the second and 5 in the last line.
I agree with rave about your last haiku. it does not make sense in a way but you could of talked about something else linking to the family like love and caring to make it better and more powerful.
Other than that I am impressed. Keep up the good work.
thank you so much!!!
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