Our Planet
Poisoned, polluted
Sweltering, scorching planet.
Stop this destruction!
Growing Up
Ladder of Wisdom
Climbing up away from youth
Dangerous journey.
War
Deafening guns scream
A thunderous hurricane
When will peace prevail?
Summer
Holiday picnic
Arctic ice cream melting fast
Blazing, baking heat.
Family
Caring, constant, close
Cocoon of love and kindness
Hugging gene-sharers.
School
Sympathetic friends
Engrossing curriculum
Where did play-time go?
Fear
Fear is a phantom
Scratching my Amygdala
Shield me from this ghost!
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July
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- When i was young...
- When I was young I was very silly,People would say...
- When I was Young..
- When I was young...
- Haikus
- When I Was Young
- Task 4: My example
- Task 4: Now and then - a HOLIDAY task
- Haikus
- Haikus
- Haikus
- Haikus
- Haiku poems.
- haikus
- Haiku
- my haikus
- the reader of this poem
- Haikus
- Haikus
- The reader of this poem
- Task 3: A Haiku a day...
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July
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6 comments:
Hi Allspark,
Although I'm sure you worked very hard on these, the EXCITING thing is that the haiku seem effortless, - as if you'd been writing them for years or studying them at the feet of an old Japanese master. By the second haiku I stopped counting syllables, not only because I assumed you would get the rest right, but because the rhythm is so natural that I could hear it, feel that it was spot on. Some might say that, technically, "prevail" at the end of "War" is three syllables. But your natural voice claims (rightfully in my opinion) that it is two. This is the type of ear/voice is a gift which cannot be taught.
Nearly every line has something fresh and original in it. Your insistent use of alliteration is brave and beautiful. Especially in short poems it could feel overwhelming, but I think it's very well balanced. In "Family" for instance
Caring, content, close
Cocoon of love and kindness
Hugging gene-sharers.
the hard c-sounds in the first two lines "cocoon" , wrap around the softer "of love" This prepares the warmth of the conclusion. Your word"gene-sharers" is wonderfully original, full of meaning and fits the rhythm wihtou feeling unnatural. Amazing achievement!
(I do love alliteration though - when I think I'm using too much I read Gerard Manley Hopkins - I think you'd like him)
Throughout, you confidently use multi-syllable words which never sound unnatural.
"Engrossing Curriculum" is especially accomplished.
To stretch and challenge yourself, you might look at having less direct statements of meaning.
"Stop this destruction!" and "when will peace prevail" are worthy ideas but writing is more effective if you allow the reader to come to these ideas through your imagery. If you're told to do something, you may do it but not agree. If you're given a good example you may understand and appreciate the idea behind that example.
I believe you accomplish this advanced technique in the superb final haiku:
Fear
Fear is a phantom
Scratching my Amygdala
Shield me from this ghost.!
"Fear" is a strong word both in meaning and sound, This softens (and therefore is more frightening) to phantom. This phantom slips and "scratch"es with the hard c-sound the "my Amygdala".
"Amygdala" is a really physical word, a gurgling kind of fleshy word. For some reason I thought of an iguana before I grabbed my dictionary. These parts of the brain (as I just found out Thanks for that!) are like earphones of fear. With this one word you've added many levels of depth. The reader hears the fear though your alliteration, and sees it in the Amygdala image. Because it's personal (my Amygdala ) the reader also shares that fear. This is the power of the haiku and creative writing in general.
This is inspired work, Allspark.
(btw I didn't realise you'd posted this so long ago. My fault. Will check blog more often.)
Hey Allspark,
So sorry I didn't get a chance to comment sooner. Being away from home has taught me to really appreciate my computer so much more. :)
I completely agree with Pugnax, these haikus seem like pieces of writing that you produce as a hobby. I definitely couldn't have produced such amazing haikus at such a young age. Congratulations on, yet again, another amazing task.
You manage to show off and flash your brilliantly developed vocabulary without over-egging your haikus, something that even I struggle to control. Because you do not let your words control the meaning behind each special message in your haikus, the special messages are indeed crystal clear.
I particularly love the way you ended "School" with a question. It's interesting to see how a school child can challenge and interpret education, and "engrossing education" really just sums it all up. Being able to sum up school in three lines is fantastic, and play-time is definitely something that I miss about being a kid (even though I'm not that much older than you :D).
I am honestly struggling to see what you can improve. All I can say is that haikus can definitely be added to your growing list of challenges that you have overcome. It would be great to see your play with imagery in your further tasks, for the pictures that phrases such as a "thunderous hurricane" and "ladder of wisdom" paint are really fantastic.
Keep up the fantastic work, and now I'm REALLY looking forward to your next task.
All the best,
E. :)
Thanks for your comments!I will try and work on imagery in future tasks.
pugnax:I will try and read some Gerard Manley Hopkins over the summer, he sounds interesting :)
pugnax: Just read some. Amazing alliteration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, Allspark!
Sorry for the late comment but i couldn't get to a computer.
Anyway, your haikus are absoloutley amazing. It doesn't seem like you had to think about it much. I don't remember being so great at haikus at your age.
"Our Planet" is great! I would've thought you would write something that would conjure up the image of green hills and bunnies jumping around! It's truthful, yet imaginative. But the planet isn't always "scorching" is it? Especially here in Britain!
The alliteration is brilliant in "Caring, constant, close" from your fifth haiku, "Family". You've managed to sum up what a family is in a line and still, it seems so effortless! I don't know if you've put a lot of thought to this because if i was in your place, i would've written and re-written until i got to a haiku like yours!
I'm actually finding it hard to see what there is for you to improve on! Great work with exploring new words (Amygdala, I realy didn't know what that was until today!)and all that's left for you to do is to expand your horizons. Try something different, doesn't matter if no-one's ever done it before, just give it a go!
Brilliant job so far, keep it up! Can't wait until your next task!
crazylike_woah
Hi Allspark,
So glad you enjoy Hopkins. Thanks for letting me know.
Have a great summer break.
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