Friday, 10 July 2009

Haikus

Our Planet

A place to have fun,
Where all types of humans live,
A place to explore.

Growing Up

We face bad problems,
We face lots of challenges,
That's part of growing.

War

It's not very nice,
People get killed and injured,
So lets prevent war.

Summer

All is bright and light,
Summer is out hot today,
So now we can play.

Family

They're right behind you,
Backing you up all the way,
They're the best ever.




School


It is where you work,

You're learning every day,

Where you with friends.


Fear

We're all afraid of things
Big or little still afraid,
Fear is natural.
Posted by at
Labels: ,

3 comments:

Andy Parrott said...

Hi, freyastar,

It's great to read your work again. You've been tasked to write on a lot of different topics, and the way you've dealt with that is great - Each one feels nicely original - you haven't reused words in the same places to keep your syllable counts easy, and you got some good words in there.

Growing up has a good last line. It fits with what wordguru said about a shift in the closing of your poem. 'Problems' and 'challenges' are accepted in that ending. Well done.

The Fear poem has the same thing going for it. Great stuff.

Let's look at some picky bits: I think you lost a word somewhere in the School poem. 'Where you --- with friends.' Don't worry about it, but I'm curious about what the word was - 'fight' or 'play'? :)

Something else you can experiment with is how powerful your words are for different subjects. For example on the subject of war, you'd be better to use strong words for bad it is, like: 'a terrible thing' for example. Softer lines work better in domestic things, just like you've shown in Summer - I like that one a lot.

Well done with all of this. I hope you enjoy writing, because the work you're producing is very good. Take care,

Andy

13 July 2009 at 15:09
eternity.forever. said...

Hey Freyastar,

Sorry that it's taken me forever to post a comment, one week away from my computer and my whole world comes to a halt. :)
Your Task 3 is completely natural, your words do not over complicate the complicated issues that you are writing about, which helps us to understand your writing even better.

"Our Planet" captures a mini-adventure, and you manage to encapsulate the vastness of the Earth by writing about the "different people" that we will all meet and the different places that we can "explore". To stretch this haiku you could introduce pieces of imagery. Why not play with the idea of our planet being a giant adventure ground? You could begin it with: "Magical playground..." - it would be lovely to see what you could produce over the summer holidays.

I particularly love your voice in these haikus: there's nothing like a writer who is confident with their beliefs. You show how aware you are of childhood in "Growing Up" and you show your maturity through a very reassuring last line. "Fear" also shows your ability to summarise, and I agree with Andy Parrott; there's definitely something in "Fear" that could be tweaked to make an even better haiku.

Well done for a brilliant attempt at Task 3, and other than the little glitch that Andy highlighted in "School", you've managed to follow all of the rules to produce a very successful and strong Task 3.

Keep up the fabulous work, and carry on writing with that strong voice.

Looking forward to your next task,

E. (:

18 July 2009 at 12:10
crazystar said...

Hello again, Freyastar!

I'm sorry that I've posted so late, I was ill last week.

It's brilliant to read your work again-your work is always so creative and flowing that I always look forward to reading it-and I have to say that you never fail to impress me!

I think that your haikus are very original and full of new, inventive ideas.

I loved your Growing Up haiku-it really reflects your maturity and imagination. I really liked your Fear poem as well-imaginative, yet still down-to-earth.

Okay, so to the bit that you and I both hate-the picky bits. Just like both previous moderators, I noticed that there is a missing word in your School poem on the last line, but I'm sure that you know that anyways. Just remember to check your work before you publish it to make sure that it makes sense.

I also think that your War haiku was a bit weak-you could have used more stronger words that would create more of a vivid picture in the readers mind, such as "horrible" or "dreadful" instead of "not very nice."

However, I think that your work is,on the whole, very good. It has imagination, originality and creativity in it, and that's the most important feature in a good piece of writing.

Carry on with the good work!
I look forward to reading your next piece of work.

Until then, take care!
Crazystar

18 July 2009 at 21:44

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)