Our planet
The planet is big
Our planet is so pretty
That’s why I like it
Growing up
I hate growing up
Growing up is so boring
But sometimes it’s fun
War
Why do we have wars?
Nothing gets sorted with wars
Wars have no charm
Summer
Wake up to summer
Summer to spring is so fun
Summer is awesome
Family
Families are fun
Everyone must have one
My family rules
School
School is so fun
Some days it’s a bore
But it’s always cool
Fear
Fears are scary
Just think of one fear
To many scares
Number of Visits
Authors
Useful Websites
Blog Archive
-
▼
2009
(89)
-
▼
July
(21)
- When i was young...
- When I was young I was very silly,People would say...
- When I was Young..
- When I was young...
- Haikus
- When I Was Young
- Task 4: My example
- Task 4: Now and then - a HOLIDAY task
- Haikus
- Haikus
- Haikus
- Haikus
- Haiku poems.
- haikus
- Haiku
- my haikus
- the reader of this poem
- Haikus
- Haikus
- The reader of this poem
- Task 3: A Haiku a day...
-
▼
July
(21)
4 comments:
bearcub i love your poem and i see you have worked hard cant wait for your next poem.keep on doing the best you can.GOOD LUCK
hey bearcub! its me tawhidul. i apologise for commenting on your work late but i was tied up in issues at school.
the first thing i have to say about your piece of work is well done! it is very clever and interesting, despite the difficulty of the task set!
one mistake that i have noticed is that in the last two haikus you seem to have forgotten the syllable rules of the haikus.
i advise that when you are writing your poem (or whatever is set to you) you should remind yourself of the task and what is being asked of you and in which way.
other that this i really liked wouy poem and i hope to read some of your work for the next task!
Hi Bearcub! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you on this!
Well done on these haikus; you’ve grasped how to do them well, with the three lines and the syllable counts. In a few places, though, you haven’t got quite enough syllables. For example, the last line of War, the second line in Families, the first and second lines of School, and all the lines of Fear. I think maybe you’ve been over-stressing words when you’ve been saying them in your head, which is really easy to slip into when you’re trying to think about syllables. For example, ‘school’ is one syllable, not two, as in ‘scho-ol’, because nobody says it like that.
You’ve managed to get the meaning of each haiku across clearly, which is important. But be careful that you don’t over-simplify what you’re saying in order to fit the rules of haiku. So, take the phrase “the planet is big”, would you really say that in a normal poem? Try using imagery to make what you’re saying more poetic. So you could say, “the planet’s a maze” or “the planet’s endless”, both of which still say how big the world is. Try and make each line you write as poetic and interesting as you can, to really make us re-think the concepts that you’re writing about.
In some places, your haikus don’t quite make sense. For example, in Fear, I don’t quite understand what you mean by the lines, “Just think of one fear / to many scares.” What do you mean by that? Also, you’ve contradicted yourself quite a bit, saying that growing up is boring, but sometimes it’s fun, and that school is boring, but always cool. It is good to change the mood in haikus for the last line, but you could do it more subtly in order not to go against what you’ve just said. Perhaps you could talk about a particular aspect of school, which is boring, and then counteract that with part that is fun. So, you could say, “lessons can drag on and on / but friends are worth it.” Or something like that.
It is really hard to stick to the syllable count and to make sense at the same time, and to be original on top of that is even harder, so well done for these, and just keep playing around with the different words and images you use until something sounds really poetic and exciting.
Hey bearcub!
Katie has excellently commented on your work and there isn't much for me to say, but I'll try :)
Once again great attempt! I see that you have thought about your haikus and created a lovely piece of work, so well done.
In word voodoo jnr you are taught things for a reason, you were taught simlies and the reason for being taught simlies was because you were to use them in the future, I'm not saying it's nessesary to use simlies but it would make your work more interesting, now you may be thinking how, well you could do in anyway you please, you could continue the first line on to the second line just so that it can be kept within the syllable count.
One other things you could improve on is the syllable count, from what I have read is that you have given some words an extra syllable for example:
Wars have no charm.
Now that is only 4 syllables, when it should be 5 syllables as it was the last line of the haiku.
But the line is great and I can understand why you don't want to change it so I'm going to change it in a way that it will fit the syllable count and will keep the meaning.
So:
Wars do not have charm
Now how easy was that!!
If anything that you learn from what I have said is I really want you to know this,
Re-reading your work can change your work from being a level 4 to a level 5, an A to an A*, and If you dont do so you will regret it and it wont come to your advantage. SO re-read, and remember writing can never be perfect it can always be changed to make it better :)
Once again well done great poems, great imagination.
Mechanical Angel!
Post a Comment