The reader of this poem is
as small as a fish
as delicate as a raindrop
and as tasty as a dish.
As pretty as a princess
as delightful as a cake
as crazy as rapper
and as bendy as a paper that can make.
As wet as the sea
as blue as the sky
as fearsome as a dragon
as peaceful as a bird that can fly.
The reader of this poem is
as still as water
as lazy as crisps
but is she my daughter?
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4 comments:
Hi Biya
I am Mechanical angel and I will be your moderatorfor the year. It's a pleasure to be part of your word voodoo jnr experience!
Firstly I'd like to say no matter how ill you are this is a really great attempt!! I know how it feels to be in your position, some times it's easy to get the ideas flowing, and sometimes it's hard.
But anyway this task shows your sense of imagination and your sense of creativity.
You have tons of imagination and it shows! I love these lines:
As delicate as a raindrop,
As peaceful as a bird 'that can fly'
Well you didn't need to add 'that can fly', it was really good without it.
But I really liked this line:
as fearsome as a dragon,
This line is significant mainly because the poem is about 'the reader of the poem' and out of 16 lines you only have this line that explores the actual personality of a human being!!
SO why don't you explore the traits (personalities) of a human...
You can do this by listing personalities as so: by the way don't use my examples because they're simple and rubbish :)
Silent: silent like a mouse
(typical, I know!)
Loud:
As loud as thunder!
(I like this one!)
Sly: As sly as fox
(another well known, typical one)
Brave: as brave as a lion
(another typical one)
My list can go on and on ...
Now just because I said to use similes that have human features you can still use and write imaginative, completely out of this world similes!
But even though your poem is great, there'll always be flaws (things that need improving)
Because a poem is never perfect it can always be changed to make it better! and I'm going to show you a few things that may seem out of place or not there at all!
You have absolutely no 'like' similes and you should have them to ensure that your poem doesn't drag on and on!
Second and last flaw and of the very little flaws is that you got stuck in the rhyme trap!!
You randomly rhymed water with this line
but is she my daughter,
It doesn't make sense! You are writing about the reader of the poem not some wierd scenario (sorry to be harsh!!)
So even though I did tell you bad points- which in the long run is how you improve and it's good for you! Your poem is fantastic and I see the immense amount of talent
that you hold within you and it's coming out in your piece of work.
Well done, If you don't understand anything please say!
Good work, keep it up!
Mechanical Angel!
Hi!
I'm crazystar, and I'll be one of your moderators on junior Wordvoodoo.
I'm so very sorry that I've commented on your work so late-I was really ill-so, so sorry!
I want to start off by saying that your poem is an amazing attempt, especially for someone who is ill-believe me, I know how hard it is to concentrate when you're ill.
So abut your poem-I think that some of the similies that you used are very imaginative. Personally, my favourite is "as crazy as a rapper."
I agree with the last comment that with the line "as peaceful as a bird that can fly" you didnt really need to add the "that can fly" bit. But a very creative similie all the same!
I do have to say that some of the similies that you have used are a bit predictable, such as "as pretty as a princess" and "as blue as the sky." I think that you could have used other words than "sky" and "princess"
I also think that the end of your poem was a bit confusing-you had a bit of a rhyming difficulty and you did end up going a bit off topic with "is she my daughter?"
HOWEVER-(Back to the good points now!) I think that your poem was a brilliant attempt and had very creative ideas! I know that I keep mentioning that, but it really is true!
I really look forward to reading more of your work!
Take care,
Crazystar
Hey again, Biya! Sorry to hear you were ill, but glad to hear you’re on the mend! :D
I see you already have to very detailed comments for this poem so I’ll try and keep this brief so I don’t bore you too much! Well, what can I say? You really are a fantastic little writer, aren’t you? You’ve really taken on board what I suggested last time and all your similes work very well!
You know what I think, as someone who writes too, the best part about getting feedback is? For me, it really has to be the difference in opinions people have on your writing. Mechanical Angel and Crazystar have both given you really useful advice and the funny thing is that the parts they thought were weaker were some of my favourite aspects of the poem.
I thought the consistent use of the word ‘as’ added flow to your poem and rather than making it drag on added a very sweet quality. There is a really lovely innocence in some of your imagery, which I also noticed in task one and this has really come through again in this poem. I think there’s a great fear in writing to avoid clichés (overused and typical images), but I think it is also important to remember that the reason they are so commonly used is because they once were exciting and, more importantly, because they work. I think you have used a very good combination of conventional images (like the ‘dragon’ and the ‘princess’) and more original ones (like the ‘raindrop’ and the ‘rapper) to create a really unique style. I do agree with what Mechanical Angel said about trying to develop your comparisons past physical traits though.
I think you are having a little trouble with the rhyming, like you did last time, though, aren’t you? All I can say is whilst they do give you rules, if you think the rhythm of the poem doesn’t quite fit, try and find another rhyme. The same can be said if you think your words don’t quite make sense. The final images of stanzas two and three are both lovely to imagine, but can you phrase them so that they fit in with the rhythm of the rest of your poem? And what about the last image of the entire poem? Wow – you can’t end there! We want to know more about this daughter and why the persona (the person speaking the poem) thinks this. Or, I wonder, like the others have suggested, if you have fallen into the rhyme trap.
Finally, I’m leaving the best until last. I absolutely adore this like ‘as lazy as crisps’ – what a brilliant, original image! It really does make me think of those days where I don’t get out of my pjs and scoff rubbish in front of my television (though don’t tell anyone I do that!), so well done!
All in all, another brilliant piece. I know the deadlines for the comments is today (in nineteen minutes, in fact), so I’m afraid my comment on your haikus will be slightly late, but if it’s not up by tomorrow or Monday at the latest, comment back here and give me a poke! I have scanned them already though and I’ve got to say, they are very good. Well done!
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