School
School is really fun,
Work and play for the whole day,
Did you hear the bell?
Summer
We break up from school,
And have weather on our side,
So let’s have some fun!
Family
They’re kind and they care,
In return we show our love,
They are family.
Growing up
Friendship and freedom,
But growing up is our fate,
So don’t mess it up!
War
What’s the point of war?
Why not a conversation?
Then no one would die!
Fear
A nightmare coming true,
Having another world war,
That’s what I’m scared of.
Our planet
Turn off the light please.
And don’t use too much paper.
We can save this world.
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- When i was young...
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5 comments:
Hi Millzos,
This is another fantastic response to the task that has been set! Firstly, to get the basics out of the way, you’ve nailed the haiku form – I only spotted one line (the first line of ‘Fear’) that didn’t fit the syllable rules. Very competent!
A couple of haikus that I thought were especially strong were ‘War’ and ‘Our Planet’. ‘War’ has that slight shift after line two that Mr. S. asked for, from interrogatives (questions) to an exclamative. The final line is so commonsensical that it provokes laughter at the utter lunacy of war. This effect is very much like that of Siegfried Sassoon’s similarly simple-but-effective First World War poems. I thought ‘Our planet’ worked because of the way you used the haiku form to reflect the theme, as both form and theme are concerned with waste (haikus are about not wasting words; saving the world is about not wasting resources). Great! I also liked ‘Growing up’, mainly for its change of pace at the second line. The warning of the third line is mildly terrifying – and evoking an emotion as strong as that in a reader is quite a feat, so good work!
A couple of things to think about: maybe these haikus shouldn’t be read in a series (are they intended to stand alone?), but I thought the line ‘So let’s have some fun!’ (from ‘Summer’) suggested only the holidays are fun, which went against the message of ‘School’. I might be misreading this one, though – help me out? A bigger point, however, is that I’d like to see you making more use of your excellent abilities with similes and metaphors. There weren’t any (that I could see!) in your haikus, but I think your flair for inventive imagery could have given these poems that bit more zest. Maybe you could try and use ALL the skills you’ve learned so far when completing Task Four?
These poems were an absolute pleasure to read, and I look forwards to what you produce next!
Hi
It was good to see you liked the War haiku - I do too.
It was meant to be 'nightmare coming true' (in the Fear haiku)
instead of 'a nightmare coming true'.
thank's
Hi
Well done on your attempt. I particularly enjoyed 'Our Planet'. You wrote it very well and it got a very important message across. Fantastic.
I agree with the fact that you have nailed this task and I look forward to reading your future responses.
Hey Millie :)
Its Ash :) Your poems were really awesome.
I liked your growing up poem. "Friendship and Freedom" is my favourite line X
Hi Millzos,
I would like to start by apologising for keeping you waiting! I'm afraid to say I had a little end of term homework to finish before I could begin moderating.
The really great thing about Haiku poems is that you can do so much with them and genuinely have lots of fun in the process. It is good to see you have experimented with themes of philosophy (a way of thinking about the world, the universe, and about people) and pacifism (disagreeing with war). "War" and "Our Planet" are the best examples and undoubtedly prove how mature and high - levelled your writing and thinking is. I am also very impressed with how you can appropriately handle humour and more serious global pressures, such as climate change and conflict, without losing track of realism. To have a healthy balance of juxtaposing (contrasting or comparing) emotions is very important for the effect you want to give to your audience. It is almost like sending your reader on a roller coaster ride: words can evoke so much - the reader can feel happy, then sad or even both at the same time, but only if you have that control, which you certainly do have. You have also demonstrated an excellent understanding of the syllabic rules of Haikus, except for one minor mistake in the first line in the fourth stanza, where you have got six syllables instead of five.
Yet, I think it is a bit of shame that you didn't use any similes or metaphors (as sarah_c addressed earlier) in your task this week, as you tackled them so well beforehand and would have benefited enormously from using them. These writing techniques can dramatically change your work into something less ordinary and far more imaginative. To challenge yourself even further, how about using alliteration, oxymorons (two words that have completely different meanings, such as "cruel kindness") or even the "showing and not telling" technique, which is letting the reader work out for themselves what you as a writer are trying to say.
Criticism aside, I am fascinated about how an eight, nine or ten year old can produce such jaw - dropping work. Keep up the good work - you'll go far . . .
Have a good summer holiday,
STARDUST.
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