When I was young people thought I was sweet,
People thought I was friendly and charming,
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4 comments:
WOW
ty freya
Hi PRETTYFACE,
I hope you had a great holiday away from school – I can hardly say the “barbecue summer” was what it cracked up to be, but unlike me, you probably made the most of it, anyway.
Aside from my obvious disappointment with the weather, I am glad to say that your poem has most certainly reached my expectations and beyond! At least you haven’t let me down, PRETTYFACE! You have proved to me and more importantly, yourself that you are intelligent enough to follow rules that even the best poet can sometimes trip up on. I personally believe that poetry is all about two things:
1.) Being creative and experimenting with words to slowly create a writing style that you can adapt to.
2.) Making sure you follow the “little things” a poem itself requires you to listen to. These “little things”, such as having a correct syllable count and a perfect rhyming scheme can ensure you have the right starting point for your poem and in turn, sends you in the right direction – they may seem like small niggles you may be tempted to overlook, but in the end they remain the really important things that not only shape a poem, but over time, shape the poet, as well. The rest (i.e. the content) is completely up to you.
Your first stanza is perfect in terms with abiding rules: you have ten syllables in every line, along with detailed snapshots of what you were like when you younger, accompanied with an excellent rhyming scheme (Stanza 1: abab Stanza 2: cdcd) – not only did you describe your behaviour, but you also explained how your personality shaped the attitudes of your family and how they loved you regardless of your “smelly feet” and your “alarming cries”, showing a wider spectrum of you in just one stanza. We get to zoom in to the bigger picture and those small megapixels become magnified to clarify your past, creating a wonderful beginning to your poem. Very well done! You are clearly developing into a mature poet and writer as your skill to cohere (link) lines together with appropriate rhyming words at the end of every line is really coming on to something great. I can also see you are taking aboard your moderators’ comments, which is excellent to see.
However, to improve your first stanza, you may need to re – write a few words in first and second lines. As you use the word “people” and “thought” in the first line, also including them in the second line makes the second line out of place in relation to the first. Moreover, the connective “although” in the fourth line doesn’t really match with the third line, where you say that you had smelly feet, when the fourth line talks about something different and how your cries were very alarming. It is therefore unnecessary to contrast two negative points with a connective.
The fact that you didn’t reveal your age is perfectly fine in the second stanza. You write what you choose, as it is totally your decision, however don’t take it any further next time by not obeying any other really important Wordvoodoo rules Englishguru sets us. I doubt you will do so, but it is just a slight warning for next time! Overall, your poetic flair has really come through in this task, especially in the second stanza, where your writing appeared more confident and assertive. On the whole, you have orchestrated a certain dash of brilliance that with a bit of perfecting (such as adding one more syllable in the last line of the second stanza: “everyone” has only three syllables, not four by the way) would be something really, really amazing!
Enjoy your week,
STARDUST.
Hey Prettyface,
Hope you had a good summer holiday and managed to enjoy the time you had away from school.
I often see summer holidays as a space in time to let your thoughts develop without any distractions; either from school or the hectic 9-5 routine of the school day. A MUST for all budding writers.
Anyway let's not digress, let's speak poetry. To start off with I'd just like to congratulate you on your near perfect structure. I realise how annoying it can be to restrict yourself to such a strict scheme but who said poetry was easy? Your structure is flawless setting a good base for your CONTENT.
The content of this poem is overall sketchy. Although it without fault I feel as if you sometimes compromise your creativity in order to fit within the structure which you've done so well. A good technique when writing poetry is one called 'enjambment'. This allows the writer to carry on sentances for many lines instead of halting at the end of each one. I feel this would be helpful for you since this piece appears 'jerky' due to its different subject each line. Just a slight critism though!
Your rhyming overall is flawless. All respective lines rhyme as they should and this adds a real 'depth' to the poem. As I said earlier though this 'depth' could be 'deepened' by utilizing the technique 'enjambment' of which I'm glad to explain to you if you want me to.
All in all good work Prettyface. All the basics are here. I just feel that your rhyme has restricted you from showing your full potential and that's hardly a problem that can't be fixed :).
Feel free to inquire.
Carlsberger.
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