"Mum, where are we going?" Moaned Meg as she huffed and puffed up the hill way behind her parents."Don't ask that question again Meg, you're driving us mental!" Her mum shouted down the path. Meg, her mum and dad where on holiday in Chromar and her parents had decided to take Meg somewhere diffrent. I wish I knew where we were going then if it was exiting then I wouldn't be so slow! Meg thought as she passed at least 12 blue butterflys. "Meg, we'll wait for you at the top of the hill," Her dad called.
As Meg got to the top of the hill she couldn't see her parents anywhere! She looked and looked and looked and she couldn't find them. Maybe they forgot and whent ahead thought Meg. So she walked forwards a bit and in the blink of an eye she was in a world of cartoons! She looked at her hands and saw she was still human. So she turned around and, with her eyes closed, she walked forwards but when she opened her eyes she was still in the cartoon world! How am I going to get back! she thought. But suddenly she saw her mum and dad going through a porthole to the human world so she ran to the porthole and stepped out just as it was closing.
When she had told her parents what had happened her and her parents turned around and her parents started to walk back to the campsite and as Meg Ran down the hill she said to herself, "Never again."
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4 comments:
screamer said...Really nice story.see u tommmorow.nice begging and end!!
Hello! My name’s Sarah. I’ve been a moderator on wordvoodoo for a year, and am excited to start reading your work!
This was a really good first task, so well done. I’ll got through Mr. S’s five pointers one-by-one, and see how successfully you achieved them.
Firstly, your opening was very strong, as it drops the reader right into the middle of the action. Using a question as your opening dialogue was a brilliant choice as it made me want to read on to see what the answer would be.
This leads me on to Mr. S’s second pointer. You handle tension and suspense fantastically throughout the task. The questions you make the reader ask (‘where are they going?’, ‘where have her parents gone?’) are enticing, and when you, as author, choose to answer these questions (with ‘to the world of cartoons’) is well paced.
Your concept is highly original, but the idea of the world of cartoons is so exciting I’d have liked to have been SHOWN it more fully. You could have done this through the use of poetic language. Maybe you could experiment with imagery (similes, metaphors, symbols, allusions…) a bit more in the next task?
Also, next time, be sure to run spell check (and to proof read the work yourself!) before submitting, as there are a couple of spelling mistakes here. You’ve handled the tricky parts – grammar and sentence structure – so it shouldn’t be difficult to weed out these errors!
Nice work. I look forwards to reading your next submission!
Hi IcyBlue98,
My name is STARDUST and I am one of many Wordvoodoo moderators that will be guiding you through your journey as a young writer in the English Workshop.
You begin your prose fiction with a very strong opening question, which is an excellent literal skill in allowing the reader to dive straight into the words on the page and almost swim around them. This gives them room to think for a few seconds, almost rhetorically (a rhetorical question is a question that doesn’t require an answer, but brews up a thought in the reader’s mind) about what will happen next. The dialogue following on from your introduction also has a powerful impact on building your plot, as it just about exemplifies (shows a perfect example) of a typical conversation between a parent and child. Just remember that when two or more different characters speak, or when a character is thinking, you have to skip a line to break up the two parts of dialogue. You also use capital letters after a line of dialogue, which isn’t necessary unless you have used a full stop to end the sentence; instead, it should be replaced by a comma. Nevertheless, I really like the way you have shown Meg’s thoughts with the use of italics, helping distinguish what is said and what isn’t, whilst adding extra depth to the feelings of the main protagonist or character. We are exposed to the emotions Meg feels reluctant to express, which is the real beauty of writing. There are some lines, however that don’t entirely make sense, such as: “Meg, her mum and dad where on holiday in Chromar and her parents had decided to take Meg somewhere diffrent” and “I wish I knew where we were going then if it was exiting then I wouldn't be so slow!” Make sure that you proof – read your work and check your spellings in order to avoid careless mistakes.
The plot of your story is very imaginative and there is a fair amount of tension – building towards the middle and end, but you have left so much room where you could have expanded on the apprehension and the fear demonstrated by Meg. You could have done this by revealing more of the negative feelings she felt while she was lost in the cartoon world and cutting down the use of “and”. Connectives, colons (:) brackets ( ), semi – colons (;) and hyphens (-) are good ways to break up sentences without repeating the trusted “and” too many times that we, as readers, become bored.
All in all, great work and I really look forward to hearing from you soon.
Hi
I'm Shiningstar and I will be one of your Wordvoodoo moderators.
Firstly I'd like to apologise for commenting late and keeping you waiting.
Regarding your work I really enjoyed reading it as it was very interesting and the idea original I just wish it was a little longer so you could develop your ideas more. I agree about the spelling and grammar-minor errors but very important- nothing a bit of proof reading can't sort out.
Overall an amazing attempt. Well done and I look forward to reading your future posts.
Shiningstar ;)
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