"Why?Why was I born with such agony?".The reason why I was going like that because it was sssssssssoooooooobbbbbbbbbbboooooooorrrrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggg!!!!!!!
My school had to go on a completely dull trip to the museum! AAH! How much can 1 guy(or 29 other guys) take!?!?! So, I decided to spice things up a little bit..."LOOK! Giant monster!" I say. The rest of the class says "Oh please, we're not gonna fall for that again."Just then, we saw an... ANAMATRONIC T-REX!!! Everyone screamed-except for me just'cus it's looks realistic(kids and people these days! phew!).Somehow, it got to 12'o'clock which meant...LUNCHTIME!!!
Sooner or later, I dozed off to sleep and woke up in my humble home...in bed.But this is no ordinary dream(I'm not kidding.I'M NOT INSANE!). And I was home alone.WHOOP WHOOP! Woo! I turned on the T.V and played on my DSI(This is a dream, remember.)Then I dosed off again and I found myself in the museum and everyone went off to the 3D exhibit and I followed them there.
I ask to myself"How did that happen?" And then I saw a dinosaur chasing me out of the screening room, all the way to the museum exit.(And yes,it was real!)
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4 comments:
I like your work! Tips: Try to keep the same tense.
Hi - obviously with this being a different form of task from the ones you've completed before, prose requires a different set of conventions than poetry - some of which I'm not sure you've grasped.
While in a way your lack of narrative does reflect the disordered and random state of dreams (and if that's what you were aiming for then you're very smart) but otherwise you need to flesh out the story a bit more. From your poetry, it seems you have a talent for description and I would have preferred to see more of that in this piece.
You do have a good sense of tone in this piece though and I like the little asides in brackets like "(this is a dream remember)".
Also there is no need to write things like "sssssssssoooooooobbbbbbbbbbboooooooorrrrrrrrriiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggg!!!!!!!" as it doesn't look good on the page and isn't easy to read. On a similar note, you don't need to put some words in a capital letters - this actually takes away the power of the word and thus removes the tension of the piece.
This is definitely a piece that you could develop and lengthen. Still well done though as prose is a very different form from poetry and does take some getting used too if poetry is what you usually write.
Hello dboggs99.
Having read your work, i think that it is a very vibrant and imaginative peice of writing.
However, your writing, occassionally turns too colloquial. For example in your line "The reason why I was going like that because....." the word 'going' makes the sentence sound too colloquial and also confusing. Instead you could use a word like 'saying'.
Also in your sentence "Everyone screamed insted of me, just cus it looks..." you have shortened because into cus. You should always make sure that your have spelt your words correctly and completely.
When writing in first person's form, we usually tend to get overy colloqual i our writing.However, we should try our hardest to limit it.
Having said that, i think your story is very exciting and with a few grammartical correction could be developed into a very good prose fiction.
Well done!
Lady_Macbeth
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