Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Task 5( Selena and the magic dimension)

Selena And The Magic Dimension


Once there was a dimension and on that dimension there was a family. That family had to sacrifice themselves to save their friends, family, and all of the people who lived on earth. They were lonely and bored. They had no satellite and only one pair of clothes they had left everything else on earth. One of the things they left on earth was their SOUL!!!!
Chapter 2
On that dimension they were ghosts. They fought for over 1,000 years to go back to earth. They had lived for over 1,000 years because as ghosts they never aged. The whole family had given up except the oldest daughter. The oldest daughters name was Selena Mary Gomez. She was 19, she used to make gadgets on earth, but on that dimension she could not find anything to make gadgets with, she looked day and night for materials to make gadgets with. One day she saw a big pile of different materials she could use, as she walked towards it “CRASH!!!” Selena tripped on a piece of metal and fell to the ground. She got up and steadied her self. Selena turned around to see what she tripped on. Oh how she loved that piece of metal to her it looked like magic. The thing that Selena did not know was it was, magic. Selena picked up the piece of metal and took it right home with the intention to investigate that magical piece. The reason she wanted to investigate it was because it looked beautiful and not like metal. After a few days of investigating she found out that the metal was actually a piece of the dimension. Oh she was fascinated by the magical metal because it did not look like a piece of the dimension. The magical piece was round and colourful. It was like someone had painted it but it was naturally like that.
Chapter 3
A few weeks later Selena found out that the piece was actually magic. She had also found out how to use it.”Wow I never new that such a lame dimension had anything interesting in it”. Because it looked like metal, it had the powers to make any gadget you wanted. All you had to do was find the material and then make a wish about the gadget you wanted. The next morning she found all her material and made a wish. She wished for a laser ring, hands free walkie talkie, GPS, and a laptop disguised as a mini flip up mirror and many more. “OK! All done now off to my mission”. She thought to her self. The next day she set off, on her mission. “Bye mum, bye dad, bye you guys”. She said to her mum, dad and her little brothers and sisters.”Wish me luck”. Selena said to them. “Bye sweetie be safe”. Selena’s parent’s told her nervously. Selena set off with all her gadgets. To Selena the dimension was massive to. “My this is one big dimension”. Selena said panting. She walked for over 10 miles. She fell to the ground, taking her water bottle out she said. “What did me and my family do that we got punished”. She wept. “Nothing really”. Spoke a squeaky voice from Selena’s pocket. Selena gave a little squeal. “Eeeqqq”. Something wobbled in Selena’s pocket and jumped out. It was the metal but it had eyes a mouth to arms and to legs.
Chapter 4
“Hi”, Spoke the metal with its squeaky voice.” My name is ‘Justin’. The metal told Selena. “Hi”, replied Selena shivering. “My name is Selena”. She told ‘Justin’ still feeling the same. Selena shook hands with ‘Justin’. “Since when have you heard me talk”? Asked Selena sitting at arms length from him. “Since you’ve moved to this dimension”, said Justin. “The land around you has ears”. Selena gasped.” SS...So you mm...Mean that ww...We have been heard sss...since we moved here”. Selena was frightened, what if they would punish her and her family more, and what if they got locked up forever. These questions scared Selena. She jumped up in fright. “Will me and my family be punished even more”. Asked Selena. “Oh no I think you have been punished enough”.”I have told them not to punish you and your family any more”. ‘Justin’ told Selena. “Now get up and get your planet back. Selena smiled and stood up. All of a sudden a group of men who looked like the person who had chucked Selena and her family out of earth surrounded her. She was brave on the outside but inside her heart trembled. In her eyes you could see braveness. “Oi you, you look brave why don’t you try and get passed us”. Said one of them. The rest shouted”YEAH!”The men tied the metal rope around Selena. But, Selena was too smart for them and used her magic laser to undo the metal rope. But the men held her tight, she could not move. She kicked and shoved, the men would not budge. They held her for an hour while she tried hard to get out. “OW”. Yelled a man.
Chapter 5
Selena looked behind she found her family fighting the men. Selena was amazed how her family saved her. “Hi mum, hi dad, hi kids”. She said .” Hi sweetie”, said mum, I told you not to go but we were here for you”. Hey hold on a sec”. Said Selena. “Since we came here we never fought, we have always shown love towards one and another”. “There can only be one explanation...this dimension is magical!, the magic about it is love!”. Selena smiled and hugged her family. “Hurry I know a way to get to earth but the portal is about to close”. Selena and her family ran for the portal......

Did they get there in time or did they stay in that dimension forever?
The End

2 comments:

Sophie Playle said...

Hi writinglove98. Sorry my comment is late - I have just started a new job and been quite busy and tired!

Well, what an imagination you have! This is a very epic story. You've created such a huge world, many interesting characters, a back story, lots of action and intrigue... But in a way, there's a little TOO much going on here. It's very hard to balance a short story. Sometimes it is best to only have something small happen. It seems like you could have written a lot of little stories with all these ideas.

For example:
"One of the things they left on earth was their SOUL"
- that's a GREAT line that really grabs the reader's attention. However, you don't really follow through with this idea. Perhaps you could more clearly link the ending back to the beginning by suggesting that the family realise that they don't need to be back on Earth to love each other, and it is their love that is what gives them a soul.

Then you bring on the idea that they are ghosts - but this doesn't follow through with the rest of the story.

I LOVE the idea that Selena was an inventor and that she wants to find things in the new dimension to create things with. This could be a story in itself.

I wasn't sure about the ending. Where did this portal come from? Who were these men? Too many unexplained things happen. And I didn't like the cliffhanger. By all means, you can leave the story 'open' so that there is some mystery, but it's always nice to HINT at what is going to happen, so at least the readers can have a good guess.

In all, you have most definitely come up with something very creative and original. It was a very exciting story, no doubt about that. However, next time you write a short story, try not too make the story so big and stick to one or two plot-lines.

Anonymous said...

WritingLover98,
I'm gonna sart by saying well done, because i really really liked your story. I though it was oringal but in had very nice basic themes like family love in it.

However i feel you over complicated the story a little by adding details which made it unclear, for example when you said that the metal piece didnt look like metal then it was speaking and had arms and legs.

Rather than changing the piece you could have just waited to describe the piece entirly when it started to speak.

I really like the way you worked your simile into the story (its was like someone had paintedt it...) however you could try some other techniques like metaphors.

Overalli really liked your story and look forward to hearing more.
JesusChild94