"when is he coming,when is he coming,when is he coming"!squealed Anastasia."calm down honey
he will be here in a while".mum muttered.how could Ana possibly calm down?her dad would be coming to see her after three whole months!!!she just could not wait.Suddenly a car beeped outside."HES HERE,LET ME OPEN THE DOOR"!!!Ana screeched.she pulled open the door
"DAD".she yelled.A tall dark figure stepped forwards.Ana looked at the the tall dark figure.This did not look like dad.Her dad was colorful and bright,and would give her the tightest squeeze as soon as she opened the door.But no this man just stood there,as still as a statue. mum rushed out of the kitchen."Ana whe"...she stopped."hiya hon i missed ya"said the man.he had a strong voice ,not at all like her dads."oh... well....co..."squeaked mum.Ana went off upstairs.she was quiet disappointed.she had hoped her dad would be looking colorful and bright,but instead a creepy dark person had come.Ana took out her horoscope book.Ana read today's horoscope...
her twinkly eyes filled with water."wwwwahht"she burst into tears.it read "today someone dear will die and evil will come fourth".this meant her mum was going to die!!!"no" she yelled "this is a load of rubbish".but on the other hand the day she got the book all the horoscopes were true.Ana suddenly heard screams from downstairs."MUM"SHE SCREAMED.she ran downstairs as fast as lightning.too late.her mum collapsed on the floor and said"Anastasia i..."then she died.Ana could not talk.she looked at the man and fainted.
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6 comments:
Aisha, this is a very imaginative concept. You've taken a very simple start ( a girl being excited to see her dad return home) and then twisted it at the end to include a horific incident and almost supernatural bits.
You might want to explain more clearly that it wasn't her dad, and maybe whether her mum knew the creepy man. Also, I like the way you've use capitals in some sections- it works when it's in speech, but not as much in normal prose. So "MUM!" is good, but SHE SCREAMED is not as effective.
Also remember the full stop or exclamation mark goes inside the speech marks. And check some of your spellings.
I especially like some of your imagery "her twinkly eyes' and 'still as a statue'.
Well done
screamer said...
it is really good.it is a very nice story!
nice story but you've left out some punctuation and capital letters.take your t i m e .
Hi.
Well done this is a very creative and original piece of work. The only thing I would say is to be careful of little mistakes such as punctuation and grammar.
All in all very good and hope to read more.
thanks to all
Aisha,
I liked your story because i feel you got the idea fully. You wrote an original short story. Generally it made sence and was clear and too the point. These wasn't too much going on but it was still very interesting.
However there where a few little mistakes with grammar and punctuation here and there but i think you coulf work them out if you just read the story to yourself out load to see if it makes sence.
I agree with Andi that you could have explain then the man better. Try discribing the man using the atmosphere. For example you could say he instantly made the house feel freezing cold yet mum didn't look surprised in fact she looked like she had been waiting for the man.
Oversll i really really liked your story and look forward to reading more of your work :)
JesusChild
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