I woke a with start as the car door slammed. I was forced in by a strange man with a
distinctive gold tooth like a pirate. He smiled a wicked smile at me and drove away, me in the car. I was half asleep when he shoved me in but by the time his speed was at 150 mph I was well awake.
He took me to Parkway Drive where he threw me out of the car and I fell to the ground. A large posse rolled weother middle aged men appeared from nowhere smoking freshly weed and grinding me to the floor.
I was crying for help but their dirty boots were over my mouth. I was sweating and just thinking of death. I felt sick. My sweat turned to blood and my solid bones broke. My skin tore and my teeth crunched.
They left me on the floor in pieces. The next thing I remembered was a paramedic telling me to get up. I got up with a ton of effort and stumbled into an ambulance.
A siren rang in my ears as I began to feel dizzy. The journey was long and painful but I knew I had to fight.
They took me into the hospital and I fell asleep. I woke up with two policeman by my bedside. They began asking me questions but the distant sound of the sirens was still ringing.
"Who did this to you?" A deep voice tackled. I replied with a full description of his sick face. They seemed to recognise the description.
I remember more questions and the man. He was there so I pointed to him.them taking me to the station when I was better to recognise
He was now in prison and had formally apologized but something told me he would come after me eventually anyway.
THE END.. I hope it is okay that I changed the last sentence a little by putting he instead of they
2 comments:
Hi PRETTYFACE,
To start, there really is no need to worry about changing the set line at the end of your prose fiction - personally, it is something I would do, too considering your story line. I can most definitely see how similar in style your Tasks 6 and 7 are. This certainly isn’t a criticism, as it is only as a good writer would do to improve on the individuality and panache that you have developed over the years.
Your writing has remarkable qualities: the imagination you plant into each wordvoodoo task is highly developed for your years and it appears to blossom in every task. Your syntax (sentence structure) and lexis (vocabulary) has strong emotion hidden within it, however it sometimes tends to shy away behind the way you word certain sentences. There is too much telling us what is happening, and this clouds over the emotions felt by your two main characters. I have this habit of forcing too much of the plot into what was supposed to be a short paragraph or two. Unlike me, you don’t write pages and pages and you stick to the guidelines you have been given. However, your problem is cramming what could be worth maybe a page of writing into a 300 - word paragraph. I find the one way to tackle this is to brief my idea and extract the part that I think is the most interesting. Your finishing line could have been: “They left me on the floor in pieces.” This would have matched perfectly with your cliffhanger and would also agree with the phrase you were asked to end with: “But something told me he would come after me eventually anyway.” Drifting into talking to the paramedic and going to the police station to give a description of your kidnapper over - complicates the plot and makes it less realistic. It is good to be detailed, but sometimes it doesn’t always give you the desired effect you want. Stating the speed at which the man was driving and where he takes her dims the excitement a little. A reader isn’t really bothered about the details of everyday life, such as speed limits and the names of roads, but more about the detail of feelings, especially in situations of panic and distress. This only really works when the detail contributes to the progression of the plot; then it would be essential you add it in somewhere.
Next time, proof - read your work before posting it onto the blog. On quite a few occasions, you make syntax and spelling errors or go back and forth into different tenses. Unfortunately, your ending is also very vague - this is the most important part that either wraps up the story or leaves readers wanting more of your writing prowess. Did your attacker suddenly appear in the hospital room - the reason why you pointed at him? Did the police then take you and him to the police station, where you were able to confirm him as being guilty? Despite these hiccups, you have some wonderful sentences buried in the middle: “I was sweating and thinking of death. I felt sick. My sweat turned to blood and my soild bones broke. My skin tore and my teeth crunched.” The reasons why they sparkle and stand out are quite simple - the snappiness of the sentences casts great impact on the reader and repetition of the word “my” emphasises the amount of pain that has been inflicted on you. Those sentences aren’t about your attacker and about how he feels - they focus on YOU and the pain you are going through. You have conjured up a feisty persona (normally used in poetry, a persona is a character that is expressed through personal pronouns, i.e. I, me, you, he, she etc., but isn’t the true voice of the author) and being able to have such a relatable character is something of a privilege. Your audience gains a greater understanding of your character’s world, allowing them to empathise with your story. The writing wouldn’t be mere words on a page, but a trigger for images to run like a film in your mind. Something you might want to work on would be to cut down on telling us what is happening, but SHOW us using original metaphors and subtlety. Play with words, experiment and see what you come up with.
STARDUST.
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