Thursday, 25 June 2009

happiness (redraft)

Happiness is when you find gold
and keep it forever.
Happiness is your family
when you see them together.

Happiness is a seed
which becomes a flower.
Happiness is being a superhero
with so much power.
Posted by at
Labels: ,

1 comment:

A. L. Michael said...

Hi Aisha,

Well done on your redraft, it really looks like you've taken your criticisms into account.

I particularly like the kine 'Happiness is a seed which becomes a flower'. The poem has a lot more movement than before, it flows well so well done.

Again, careful with the last line. Sometimes using the word 'being' (like 'being a superhero') can seem a bit unsure. Possibly think about using small connecting words instead, like:

Happiness is just a superhero,
using so much power.

That said, you've really taken the time to work on it, and it shows- I hope you enjoyed your editing process!

Well done!

30 June 2009 at 04:42

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)