The Reader Of This Poem
is as smart as a kid,
as bouncy as a spring,
and stiff as a lid.
As quiet as the wind,
as coiling as a binder
as crazy as chemistry,
as hunting as a finder.
As sharp as a knife,
as funny as a clown,
As speedy as a ninja,
as sad as a frown.
The reader of this poem
has gone to play games,
He's finished his poem,
and is not quite the same!
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7 comments:
Hello Dboggs99,
My name is Star and I will be one of your modertators this year.
I really enjoyed reading your peom. Excellent work.
You have used a lot of “as” similies but try to use “er than” and “like” similes too.
One of your similes is very unrealistic :
“as quiet as the wind”
because the wind is not quiet. Instead you could’ve used
“as quiet as a mouse”
I liked what you used to describe chemistry. It is very original!
Otherwise you have put good effort into your poem. Well done! If you have any questions please ask. I hope you find my comments useful.
Keep up the good work!
(I am really sorry if i was harsh on your work!)
Hi Dboggs99,
Im JesusChild and I, like Star, am also one of your moderators for the year.
I really liked you peom because it was very original. Some of the similies where very unique for example 'as hunting as a finder'.
I think this was my favourite just because I hadn't really thought about a finder like that.
As much as I enjoyed your work I think you could do even better by using a varity of similies for example mixing in some 'like' similies and some 'er than' ones.
In general I really did enjoy your poem. Again as Star said let me know if anything I've said is unclear.
JesusChild :)
Hello again - apologies that this comment is a bit late
This is a very entertaining poem and you have created some really good similies - I particularly enjoyed the third stanza and the contrast between "as funny as a clown" and "as sad as a frown".
I do like the way you draw contrasts in the poem - at first I wasn't sure about "stiff as a lid" but then reading it in relation to "as bouncy as a spring" it really seems to work as a similie.
I'm not so sure about the second stanza - as one of your other moderators pointed the wind doesn't tend to be very quiet so perhaps look for an alternative similie - maybe not a mouse as that's a bit cliched. I'm also not sure whether I'd class chemistry as crazy but then I don't do chemistry. And I must confess I don't know what a finder is!
But all in all this was a good poem so keep up the good work
Thanks guys. I appericiate all of you, so thanks moderators!!!
nice poem dboggs 99
Thanks anyway bearcub. Thanks!!!!!!
hello, my name is tawhidul, but you can call me sharad. im sorry that i am a bit late in commenting on your poem but i am a bit tied up.
anyway, i think that your poem was fun to read and i think that your similes were quite good and gave me a clear image of what all the readers of your poem were like!
like "Rave" i think that the words "as crazy as chemistry" is a bit untrue. it is true that the cartoon form of a scientist is frizzy, untidy hair and crazy thoughts, but i do not think that chemistry itself is crazy.
one other thing that i have noticed is that you have used the simile "as quiet as the wind". this is a common flaw made by many youngsters. i believe, logically, that wind is quite loud-especially in storm and hurricanes and even tornadoes.
other than these things, i liked your poem very much-specifically the strong use of simiile. it has been a joy being your mentor!
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