The sun is a chili burning hot in my mouth,
It shines red glossy and really bright.
The sun is a flower blooming all pretty,
The same as flowers we depend on it's light.
The sun is an orange round big and strong,
The citrus rays put laughter on my face.
The sun is a beautiful bar of gold,
I wish I could carry the sun in my case.
3 comments:
Hi, freyastar
It's good to read your work for the first time. I can see that you've had fun with it. Your metaphors are all good, you have a wide range of words mixed into them, your rhymes are strong, and there are some cool images. Plus, I like that the lines are coloured red and orange - it's cool :)
My favourite line is: 'the citrus rays put laughter on my face.' I like the idea of citrus light. I used the metaphor of a fallen tangerine for the setting sun recently, so I see exactly what you're aiming for wiht that.
I have some ideas for you to think about. I hope they help. Firstly, I like the repetition of 'the sun.' But with 'the' as an opening to these lines, it would be good to have different openings for the others. So 'the same as flowers...' could be 'just like flowers.' You get the idea.
Another tiny point is about using 'really' with adjectives. Usually, when you already have a good word, you don't need to emphasise it. So 'very' or 'really' are less helpful in written work (even though we use them a lot in spoken language). They don't help us to imagine things any better, so you don't need to use them. It's always your choice, but I think I'd like to see 'red glossy and bright' in this piece.
A boring point is with 'it's light.' 'It's' is a short way of saying 'it is.' Unless you want to say 'it is' don't use 'it's.' In this case say 'depend on its light.' I still write the wrong one sometimes too though, so don't fret about that.
I enjoyed reading this a lot. All those metaphors: chilis, gold bars, citrus rays - they all work well. Well done. You should be proud of yourself. I look forward to your next submission. Take care,
Andy
Dear Andy,
Thank you for all your feed back and I will take it on and i will show it in my following work.
Freya
Great advice from Andy - and I am glad you found it useful.
I also loved this poem - and was extremely impressed by how well you followed the rules of the task itself: four (original) extended metaphors; lines of similar length; rhyme scheme correct. All very difficult - and several other pupils struggled with some of this - but you have got it spot on. Well done!
My main target would be to start to have fun and experiment with your vocabulary. Wordvoodoo is a great way to try out new words, or words you already knew but use them in a new way. Are you used to using a thesaurus to suggest other vocabulary? If not, it might be worth trying it out.
That way, instead of "burning hot", you could use "scalding"; instead of "red" you could use "scarlet" (which would give you some alliteration too!); and instead of that "really" on which Andy commented too, why not try out a more ambitious adverb (which is what we call a word which describes an adjective) such as "dazzlingly" or even, for more alliteration, "blindingly"?
I don't mean to say that good writing needs lots of long words - sometimes short, simple words can be by far the most effective. But there are times when a more ambitious lexicon (which is another word for vocabulary!) can work wonders.
Hope that helps! Finally, I just wanted to say that I, too, LOVE the phrase "citrus rays". Wonderful. :)
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