The writer of this poem
Is taller than a house
As beautiful as a butterfly
As shy as a mouse
As short-tempered as a firework
As bright as the sun
As stubborn as a mule
As sweet as an iced-bun
As cool as an ice-cream
As wicked as a witch
As tired as a sloth
As deep as a ditch
The writer of this poem
Is hot and needs a fan
She’s at home instead of school
She’s been sick since the day began.
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6 comments:
Hi Millzos,
I enjoyed reading your poem – although I hope it isn’t autobiographical, and that you are, in fact, healthy! In this task you’ve begun to understand how similes function, and have come up with some enjoyable, inventive images, such as ‘As short-tempered as a firework’. However, not all your similes are quite as original; ‘stubborn as a mule’ and ‘wicked as a witch’ are definite clichés. Next time, I’d love to see you keep playing with the possibilities of language throughout your poem.
One of the things I most liked about ‘My World’ was that it had a clear, central theme. I thought ‘The writer of this poem’ lacked a similar theme, one which could have tied the poem together. In both the “example” poems the meaning of the final stanza was dependant on the three stanzas that preceded it; maybe you could do something similar in order for your own poem to be more cohesive? For example, the first three stanzas could be full of similes showing how ‘tall’ and ‘beautiful’ and active (physically and emotionally!) the narrator is, and the last verse could reveal how she can’t be ANY of these things at present, as she’s laid up ill in bed.
One last, important, comment: the task called for you a poem called ‘The Reader of this Poem’, not ‘The Writer…’ Next time, please make sure to carefully read the requirements of the task, and follow them all!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading and commenting on this poem, and look forwards to what you come up with next!
Sarah
I like the way you used a than simile.
I love your shy simile!
Remember it's "The Reader of this Poem"!
Thank you for all the comments.
Next time I will use the right
title.
I am (unluckily) ill so that is why
it's not my best.
Millzos.
HiHi PRETTYFACE,
My name is STARDUST and I am one of many Word Voodoo moderators that will be guiding you through your journey as a young writer in the English Workshop. I would like to start my analysis by expressing how impressed I am with the rhyming structure of your poem. You have clearly demonstrated a very good understanding of how to write a poem using the rules you were given. Not only have you used similes in almost every line, but you have also have made sure that the lines 2 and 4 both rhyme in every stanza and you avoided falling into the classic "rhyme trap". You have achieved something not all of your fellow workshoppers have been able to fully grasp, and you should be very proud of yourself. I have to say, if this isn't the best work you can produce, as I know you have been feeling rather poorly recently (so have I, as a matter of fact. Get well soon!)then I am sincerely very excited about reading your next task, Millzos. You have some serious talent and I ask you to keep up the good work. In order for you to expand the great amount of literal knowledge you already have, I recommend you check out the brother blog that I am part of. Here is the email address: www.wordvoodoo.blogspot.com. I hope you have fun browsing all the work older students in George Mitchell have created, and I also hope that you learn and adopt some of their tools for writing which will ensure your writing blossoms over the many years to come. Just one small point, though - try not to consistently start your lines with "As"; even though this is the most evident way to approach similes, it can bore the reader with these repetitive openings to your quatrains (four - line stanzas.)
Overall, I think you have done exceptionally well for a second task, and I do suggest you take on board the developments I have given you to work on next time, as this will aid you in the future as a student on this amazing blogspot! Any questions, please feel free to ask!
Very well done,
STARDUST.
Hi Millzos
I'm Shiningstar and I'm one of your moderators.
I would like to begin by telling you that I loved the similes you used and found many of them to be very original.'As short-tempered as a firework' was my favourite as where many others.
However I agree with sarah_c when it comes to the use of clichés since by reading your poem I feel you are capable of producing original similes.
Very well done on this task and I look forward to reading your future tasks.
Shiningstar
Thank you both for your comments. Stardust - I'll definitely check out that website you recommended. Thanks for giving up the time to comment it will me to progress my writing.
Millzos
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