The reader of this poem
is as tall as tree
as light as a feather
and buzzes like a bee
as bright as a sun
as quiet as a mouse
as cool as a fridge
as itchy as a louse
as silly as a koala
as high as a kite
as skinny as a stick
the reader of this poem
is as white as a snow drop
as cold as ice
and as summery as a flip flop
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3 comments:
Hi again.
I really like this poem—it made me giggle (mostly because I’m certainly not cool as a fridge!). This is a fun poem, and it shows your sense of humour.
You’ve grasped the simile so well, and it’s great that you’ve mixed in a ‘like’ metaphor as well as all the ‘as’ ones. Perhaps you could throw in some more ‘like’ ones though, such as ‘is skinny like a stick,’ just to avoid repetition.
You’ve stuck to the rules really well here, and your rhymes work well. I particularly like your rhyme of ‘drop’ and ‘flip flop’, as it’s not an obvious rhyme. Watch out, though, as in your third stanza you have three lines instead of four.
You’ve created some really nice images; I particularly like your juxtaposition (that means putting words, images or ideas next to each other to highlight something about them) of cold ice and summery flip flops, as it makes such a good contrast. Just be careful that your images make sense though… can a reader really buzz like a bee? (I don’t think I do a very good bee impression myself!), and are koalas really very silly? (I haven’t met one!) Maybe you could use 'grey' or 'cuddly', something more associated with a koala? Or use something that is silly, like a clown or a crazy straw!
You’ve got a real sense of rhythm running through this poem, which works so well. You’ve done that because your lines are all a similar length, and the number of syllables you use balance out really well. This breaks a little in your last two lines though, because the line ‘as cold as ice’ is so much shorter than the line ‘and as summery as a flip flop’. Could you balance this out a little? Even if you just moved ‘and as’ up to the line before it, this would help a lot.
Well done, again, and keep up the good work!
My name is Mechanical Angel and I’ll be one of your moderators this year.
Firstly I'd like to say great work!! I know how it feels to be in your position, some times it's easy to get ideas flowing and sometimes it's hard.
But your piece shows you didn't find this task hard, and if you did you've got a funny way of showing it! :)
I think Katie is absolutely right, this is a fun poem, it shows your sense of imagination and your sense of humour.
You have a lot of 'as' similes but try to use more 'like' similes that way your poem does not drag on, and on, and on!
I really do think you have tons of talent, so thats why I'm going to show you ways on how you can improve to make your self EVEN better than you are now!!
So instead of making random, sentences like "buzzes like a bee"-because it really is quite impossible for a human to do that naturally :)!! Why don't you explore different personalities of people.
So some people maybe brave so you could say :
is as brave as a lion
People can be sly so you could say:
Sly like a fox or as sly as a fox
People can be wise so you could say:
As wise as an owl
My list can go on and on. But what I'm trying to say is to make your work seem more realistic and more relevant, for it to make sense!!
But otherwise your poem is really good and don't let my comments discourage you because your talent is beyond average, no matter what i say or do! You should be proud of yourself,I am proud of you! If there is anything you do not understand please say!!
Keep up the good work an well done!!
Hi my name is Sharad and im kinda new round here.
Like Katie i really liked your first poem ("The reader of this poem"). I especially liked the similes. you have thought of ingenious similes that i could never think of. when i first looked at your work i didn't believe I was staring at a piece of work produced by a junior standard student. Hats off to you and well done!
Despite this, there is still room for improvement. what you lack in the last verse is the rhythm. It needs to have a beat to it-like a rap. the beat makes the reader follow the tune and end up dancing to it (not literally) as it is easy for him/her to understand the tune or beat.
other than this i think that your poem in great and that you have used a lot of description as well as many objects. it has been a pleasure reading your work>
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