Happiness is giant playground
Where I can do as I please.
Happiness is a rollercoaster
Hair flying in the breeze.
Happiness is a sparkling sea
Waves lapping at my feet.
Happiness is the sound of music
Hips moving to the beat.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
I see you’ve picked up my very minor points on punctuation and the first line, but beyond that you’ve had another go at the final metaphor. The music image is a good one, as it continues the ‘movement’ that I liked so much in the previous lines and it fits in very well with the rhythm of the previous lines, so well done. Also, you’ve answered my (gentle) criticism that the chocolate cake was a bit ‘greedy’, compared to the other, more free-spirited forms of happiness.
That said, I must admit that, reading the new version, I miss the cake! (Moderators and critics are allowed to change their minds, I hope – it just goes to show that while I might be here to try and help you make your writing ‘better’, there is no final answer as to what ‘better’ really is.) There was something very pleasing about the physical presence of the cake at the end of the poem, after all the waves and flying hair that came before it.
What I’m really saying is, I’m pleased you’ve taken my comments on board, and worked hard to accommodate them, but if, when all’s said and done, you want chocolate cake, then, well, for goodness’ sake, have the cake.
This is a great improvement! The last two lines are brilliant because most people do enjoy music and it does make people happy, however not everyone is a fan of chocolate cake (like me). And it doesn't seem out of place anymore, it fits in well with the vibe of the other metaphors! Great job, keep up the good work!
Post a Comment