Monday, 15 June 2009

happiness

happiness is when you find gold,
and keep it forever.
happiness is your family,
when you see them together.
happiness is a gorgeous rose,
which is about to bloom.
happiness can be a celebration,
and can never bring doom.
Posted by at
Labels: ,

3 comments:

A. L. Michael said...

Hi Aisha, I'm Andi and I'm your moderator.

So, about your metaphor poem. I thought it was completely beautiful and it really made me smile. You've got a great range of vocabulary there, and your words really link together well. I particularly like the idea of a gorgeous rose about to bloom.

You've had to be very careful with the idea of happiness as a metaphor, because it's quite a complex idea, so do be careful there. For example, Happiness being your family is quite different to happiness being a rose, because a rose is a clear object. But it's done very well.

My only little niggle is about the rhythm of the last line, it feels a little bit out of sync- try and read all your work outloud before you post it (both poetry and stories) and it makes a real difference!

Well done and I can't wait to see what you come up with next!

18 June 2009 at 18:42
englishguru said...

Hi, Aisha

Well done for posting - and for doing so so well! All the rules are met here: number and length of lines; rhyme; four extended metaphors. Well done!

I think your second and third metaphors are the strongest though, because they are the most direct. Look at the other two: using "when you find" and "can be" weaken the metaphor because they create distance. "Happiness is finding gold" and "Happiness is a celebration" would have been SO much better, and see how little you would have needed to change to achieve that. Does that make sense?

My other main point is about your rhyme. Lines 2 and 4 rhyme brilliantly - and, without realising it, you have (like Allspark's post) used a very clever technique called 'half-rhyme': the two words actually sound slightly different, but they are close enough for the rhyme to still work. Brilliant stuff.

The other rhyme, however, is perhaps a little weaker - and I can't help feeling that maybe your "doom" is evidence of slipping a bit into that Rhyme Trap I warned you against, as it doesn't quite seem to fit as well as the rest of your poem. Instead of your last two lines, how about something like "Happiness is the soothing scent / Of my mum's favourite perfume" instead? What do you reckon?

Well done, Aisha! I can't wait to read what you do with Task 2! :)

21 June 2009 at 13:52
bearcub said...

awsome aisha

1 August 2009 at 10:19

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)