My home is the Empire State building,
It tickles the sky and the clouds.
My home is a mystical maze,
An easy escape from the crowds.
My home is a manic menagerie,
Can you count all my guinea pigs' paws?
My home is the London Zoo,
Come and see alll my sows and my boars.
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June
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- The writer of this poem
- the reader of this poem
- junior word voodoo rocks (redraft)
- The Writer Of This Poem.....
- My world (redraft)
- the reader of this poem
- The Reader Of This Poem
- The Sun (redraft)
- The Reader of this Poem
- happiness (redraft)
- The Reader of this Poem
- My World (Redraft)
- The Reader of this Poem
- Home (Redraft)
- The Reader of this Poem
- Happiness (Redraft)
- The Sun (Redraft)
- The Reader of this Poem (An example)
- Task 2: A Simile Poem
- Well done on Task 1!
- colours
- happiness
- My world (Redraft)
- Happiness
- My World
- The Sun
- My world
- Junior Wordvoodoo Rocks
- The Sun
- The Sun
- Home
- Earth
- My World
- Task 1: Metaphor Poem
- Welcome to Junior Wordvoodoo
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June
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3 comments:
Hey, there.
Your redraft is actually pretty good. You changed quite a lot of it and turned it into something that was much better than before! I LOVE the tickeling of the sky! I don't know why but it sounds really cute and it really does make you think that the building is very tall.
I think putting the question in there is really good because none of the others have put questions in there poems and that makes your's unique!
Well done!
Wow Allspark, quite a re-draft. You show more than promise here; you show unique talent.
You've escaped slight rhyme trap troubles from the first draft and created rhymes that are more fresh and more meaningful. Especially in the first image as crazylike- woah pointed out.
Also,
"My home is a mystical maze,
An easy escape from the crowds."
adds "m" alliteration which helps the rhythm and makes the maze, to me, more claustrophobic. The lighter, "ea" and "es" in the next line are as freeing as air from a balloon.
You draw the reader in more dynamically by addressing them
"Can you count" "Come and see" - excellent technique.
One thing. The half-rhyme "Paw" and "Boars" worked well in the first drat, but here it seems to give the poem a slightly flat ending. Read it aloud and see if you agree.
I've been reading your next poem and it shows that you've put a similar effort in. I hope to post those comments by later tonight or early on Saturday.
Great pleasure to read this, Allspark. Thanks.
Thanks for both your comments.
By the way, I have come up with a "good" list for my poems: Mars-Metaphors,alliteration,Rhythm and synonyms.
I can improve on my future work by your comments and M.A.R.S.
Thanks!!
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