Monday, 8 June 2009

Home

My home is the Empire State Building,
With Ground, 1st and 2nd floors,
My home is a labyrinth,
With at least 12 windows and doors,
My home is a pet shop,
With my guinea pigs and their little paws,
My home is the London Zoo,
With fish and sows and boars.
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4 comments:

pugnax said...

Hi Allspark,

Welcome to word voodoo.


It's a pleasure top read your work; you obviously have a lot of natural talent.

Well done for following the instructions to this task – the number of lines, the rhymes and the themes.
Your four metaphors are strong and creative. My favourite is

“My home is a labyrinth,
With at least 12 twelve windows and doors”
Using “at least” makes the line uncertain and fantastic (as in fantasy).

The final metaphor…
“my home is the London zoo,
With fish and sows and boars.”

… is even more fantastic. What could the individual animals represent in your home?

The half-rhyme "paws" with "boars" shows you're willing to experiment. Excellent!

In future tasks, you might try and vary the beginnings of lines:

“my home is…” and “with…”.

It does give the poem a nice rhythm but in longer pieces could be too repetitive.

Overall, a promising start.

If you have any questions or disagreements with what I have said please write back and I will be happy to answer them.

19 June 2009 at 12:34
englishguru said...

Although I agree with pugnax that, in longer poems, a structure like yours might get repetitive, I was especially impressed by the way you followed the structure of Valerie Bloom's poem perfectly - even down to rhyming not just Lines 2 and 4, and then Lines 6 and 8, but all FOUR even lines together (which is no small feat). Also, like pugnax, I loved your ambitious use of half-rhyme (another very difficult technique) between lines 6 and 8 - there was not even a hint of having fallen into the rhyme trap ANYWHERE in your poem.

Also, I was very interested by how you divided your poem into two sections, each developing a different aspect of your home: firstly, its size; and secondly, all your pets!

However, there are also some areas where I think you could have made this poem even better.

Firstly, I think you could experiment with a wider vocabulary, using either more ambitious words or just words in an ambitious way in order to enrich your writing. Why not get hold of a thesaurus to use when you write your next task? (Just make sure you check the meaning of any new words in a dictionary before you use them too!)

I also think you could, perhaps, afford to take some more risks with your content matter. You describe how your house is BIG and has PETS; but what else could your home represent? A place of safety? A place to be yourSELF? A kingdom over which you have some power?

Lastly, I wonder how much time you spent drafting and redrafting the poem before you posted? The best writing comes out of many, many drafts, and wordvoodoo is your chance to finally post only work which you have worked long and hard to develop and perfect so it is showing your skills off in their very best light.

Hope this is helpful. As pugnax said, your potential is clear - just make sure you continue to stretch yourself! :)

21 June 2009 at 12:21
PRETTYFACE♥;; said...

Awsome..
Thanks for your comment. Since you commented mine I thought it would be right for me to comment back at
you extremely creative poem. Your comment meant alot. I like the way you have expanded your home to the empire state building and described different animals while sticking to using metaphors x

PrettyFace♥;;Ash

24 June 2009 at 18:04
voidproductions said...

Thanks for all your comments!
I do agree with all of you, your feedback has really helped me, and will do in future.
Tanks!!

12 July 2009 at 10:24

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