It is an amazing labyrinth of words
everyday I'm on just because it is Aladdin's adventure
I'm flying with birds
i explore word voodoo
so i venture
never is it blocked
animals would love it if they talked
so it rocks
so i am happy I've got it
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2 comments:
Hi Bearcub!
Well done on this redraft; you’ve grasped metaphors a lot better in it now, which is great, and it’s much less repetitive. Your enthusiasm still really shines through it, though, which is good. It’s important not to lose the ‘spirit’ of a poem through redrafting it.
Be careful, though, as you’ve strayed from the initial task, as you have nine lines still, and the rhyme scheme doesn’t quite match up. Make sure you try and remember what the initial task was when you redraft.
Well done on this improvement, though, redrafting is never an easy thing to do. Thanks for taking on board my comments. :)
Hey, its Sharad again!
I really liked this poem (mainly when I was a kid i used to love the story of Aladdin).
I think that you have capttured the main rules of using metaphors and I see some really great ones too ("amamzing labyrinth of words" is my favourite!).
i agree with Kate that your rhyming scheme does not really make sense.
Other then that there is nothing that i don't really have anything to point out. I think that you have used a really creative first line and I'm impressed. this is your achievement from me and i hope i get to read more or your work soon!
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