My world is a delicate tulip,
That flowers in joyful spring.
My world is a beautiful eagle,
That's about to spread its wings.
My world is a towering tree,
That wavers in the breeze.
My world is a whole new planet,
That has oceans, rivers and seas.
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1 comment:
This redraft makes an already impressive poem even MORE impressive! :) You've obviously thought hard about the comments you recieved, and your level of understanding comes across in your work.
I think your alteration of the opening couplet was a perceptive one, as the object of your metaphor has changed from something general (a flower) to something more specific (a tulip). 'Tulip' creates a more instant, strongly visual image, and so helps the reader relate to the poem.
Your bold-timid patterning works really well. In my previous comment I praised the use of a theme to tie the poem together, and your redrafting has, in general, really strengthened this element. I still think that growth, maturation, and exploration are the main topics of this poem, which is why I feel the image of the 'towering tree' doesn't fit quite so well, as it suggests something stable, solid, and set in its ways. However, the following line - 'That wavers in the breeze' - is lovely, inventive, and really communicates that timidness.
An excellent poem; I look forward to reading your next one!
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