My world is a flower waiting to blossom,
when does not come and it faces trouble.
My world is a hot air balloon set on fire,
while the edge of my eye starts to bubble.
My world is a kingdom with people voting me princess
while I wait anxiously to see what's going to happen.
My world is a creepy castle,
in which I wait still perplexed.
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2 comments:
Hello again, writinglover98.
Well done on the redraft. Visually, it looks much better. You have sucessfully made the all the lines a similar length, which was one of the task requirments. I also like the way you have made the poem into two STANZAS by separating it into two parts.
I can see also that you've tried to make the ideas flow better. However, I think the second line can still be improved. At the moment, it doesn't quite make sense to me. If I write it out like a sentence it reads like this:
My world is a flower waiting to blossom, when does not come and it faces trouble.
Read it through. There seems to be a word missing. It doesn't quite make sense. This is something you can look out for in future poems: always read it through carefully to make sure the lines fit together to make sense.
However, I can also see that you've change the last line. This flows much better. Well done.
One last little problem is that by cutting out the word 'next' from your 6th line, it now doesn't rhyme with the last line.
This is another thing to remember: while redrafting a poem, it is important to check that the redraft still follows all the requirements of the challenge.
I can see that you have really tried to take on board my advice, and on the whole, I think you've been sucessful. It's just those few little things you need to look out for.
Again, I'd just like to say how much I like your poem. I can see that you have real creative flare!
Thank you for the comment.
About the 6th line,thank you for that comment.I guess i should have checked that a bit more. Next time I'll be more careful.
Great advise
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