My world is a delicate flower,
That comes out in summer and spring,
My world is a beautiful eagle,
That’s about to spread its wings,
My world is a humongous tree,
That keeps on growing,
My world is a meandering river,
That keeps on flowing.
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3 comments:
Hi, Millzos, and welcome to the blog! My name’s Sarah, and I’ll be one of your wordvoodoo moderators.
I was *really* impressed by your metaphor poem! You’ve got a strong understanding of how metaphors work, and have come up with some original imagery. You’ve also followed the rules Mr. Savage made for this task, which has really improved your work, as the strict but natural rhyme scheme and similar line lengths means the poem has a really nice “flow”.
One of the things I most like about your metaphors as that they are all tied together by a theme of growth, development, and tentative exploration. This helps your work cohere, and gives the voice of the poem a strong sense of character. This sense is also helped by the use of an unfamiliar, exciting word like “humongous”.
A couple of pointers. I think your use of a repeated structure works really well for the first four lines:
‘My world…
That [something different!]…
My world…
That [something different!]…’
However, because the reader gets used to this pattern, the variation in the final four lines is a bit jarring:
‘My world…’
That keeps on…
My world…
That keeps on…’
This change in structure disrupts your poem’s lovely flow. Perhaps next time you could try to keep to the same pattern throughout?
Also, you could think a little more about punctuation. Maybe the second, fourth, and sixth lines would work better if they ended with full-stops?
I really don’t have much more to add. An exceptional first effort!
Like Sarah, I loved this poem. Not only did you follow all the (difficult) rules I set, but you have also done so with genuine skill and flair. Your rhyme is perfect, your metaphors adept, and, as Sarah says, the whole poem flows perfectly.
All of which leaves me a bit stuck as to what to suggest as targets for the future! But, that said, it is crucial that you always aim to push and stretch yourself further and further and I will make a couple of suggestions here to help you do so.
Firstly, as I have said to freyastar and allspark already, one area to experiment further with is an increasingly broad vocabulary. Now this is not to say that you haven't done so already: "delicate" and "meandering" are wonderful, ambitious and perfectly chosen words. But I would perhaps have gone in a different direction with your tree, swapping "humongous", perhaps, with something like "towering": not only is this a little richer, but it also enables you to exploit the potential of ALLITERATION to transform your writing still further.
Also, I think that, since you've mastered the rules of the task so well, it is worth giving some more thought to the meanings buried within your metaphors themselves. For example, your first metaphor suggests a certain shyness and timidity about you; the second implies great power and a boldness too; your third and fourth suggest imminent and constant growth. I guess that, if I am being really pedantic (i.e. fussy!), I would say it is the first metaphor which fits less well with the others. The other three are all about beginning an exciting journey. Now you might disagree with me, which is fine, and argue that the first should stay - I guess I am just asking you to reflect and see if it is worth rethinking.
It is such fun for me to be able to offer such detailed comment, and to be able to ask you to fine-tune your work at such a high level. Welcome to wordvooodoo! :)
Thank you both for your comments.
I have taken them into account and tried to improve my poem using your comments and my instinct. In the redraft I have tried to do a pattern of timid, bold, timid, bold. I decided to keep the flower metaphor but have changed it a little - I kept it in because sometimes I feel timid like a flower and then I come out of this and feel happier.
Bye for now.
Milzos
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