My world is a flower waiting to blossom,
While facing trouble.
My world is a hot air balloon being set on fire,
While the edge of my eye start’s to bubble.
My world is a kingdom waiting for me to be crowned princess,
While I anxiously wait to find out what’s going to happen next.
My world is a creepy castle,
But I am still perplexed
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8 comments:
Welcome to wordvoodoo, writinglover98! My name is Sophie and I am going to be one of you moderators. I’m very excited to be working with you.
Firstly, well done on formatting your post correctly. When I was in year 4 and year 5, I wasn’t very good with computers and had never used the internet.
Your poem was a pleasure to read. You have structure it very well, and have clearly understood what a metaphor is, and how to use one. The rhymes are all in the right places, and you have not fallen into the rhyme trap, as all your rhymes flow very naturally.
I love the first line as this captures the spirit of your age: when you are young, there are still so many new and beautiful things in the world yet to discover. This is a very good metaphor as it is both SIMPLE (easy to understand and to read) and COMPLICATED (it has a deeper meaning). Great work.
The next line (‘while facing trouble’) works very well paired to the first metaphor, as it provides a sense of balance: even though the world can be new and beautiful, there is still something dangerous about it. However, I would suggest that maybe you could link the second line a bit more to the metaphor of the flower. How does a flower ‘face trouble’, for example? Perhaps it hasn’t rained for a while and the flower risks drying up, or perhaps the flower is delicate and easily crushed by a foot? Again, these ideas would be METAPHORS for the COMPLICATED idea behind the words. This is tricky, but it is something to think about.
The hot air balloon metaphor is also good. It makes your world seem very exciting. The line ‘while the edge of my eye starts to bubble’ is one of my favourite parts of your poem. It is a very original phrase, and very descriptive.
The next two lines continue the theme of excitement about new experiences, but I feel that perhaps they are a little bit long. One of the task requirements was to try and keep the lines a similar length. Sometimes this is very hard. You could try to think of a different way to say what you want to say which uses fewer words.
The ‘kingdom’ and the ‘creepy castle’ fit well together, as they express different sides of the same idea: one is happy and light, and the other is scary and dark. A small suggestion would be to try and make the last line link a little bit more to the line before it. You say:
‘My world is a creepy castle,
But I am still perplexed’
But I think you can make it flow better by saying something line:
‘My world is a creepy castle,
In which I am still perplexed.’
This way you extend the metaphor down to the last line, as the reader visualises a person perhaps lost and confused in a creepy castle. This is a stronger image overall, don’t you think? Even the smallest change of words can make a big difference in poetry.
I think you’ve done brilliantly on this task. You’ve come up with some original phrases, and you’ve achieved a THEME that runs throughout your poem. This is very sophisticated.
Things to think about next time:
Can I make the idea on one line FLOW better to the next line?
Can I say something differently to create a visual BALANCE regarding LINE LENGTH?
Also, although this is very well presented, you have one little grammatical mistake. There should be no apostrophe in ‘starts’. And remember to end your poem with a full stop.
Overall, this is a great poem and I’m really looking forward to working with you.
I have nothing much to add at all to Sophie's wonderful, detailed comments, writinglover - and I loved so much about this poem: the contrast within each extended metaphor; the natural rhyme; the originality and freshness of your ideas. All great stuff! I was also very impressed by your 'bubbling eye' metaphor, and by your use of a word like "perplexed". Well done.
Just make sure you take on board Sophie's suggestions, especially about the length of your lines and the links between each half of each metaphor. It is this sort of fine-tuning which will turn what is already very good writing into something genuinely amazing.
Hi,
I am writinglover98.
I wanted to say thank you for your advise sophie and english guru.
Sophie when you said that i should connect the second line to the first line what do you mean about that.i dont know were to put it if i did add something like that.
That's no problem, writinglover98. Thanks for asking for clarity, I will try my best to explain more clearly what I mean.
Let's look again at the first two lines of your poem:
My world is a flower waiting to blossom,
While facing trouble.
The type of link I am talking about here is about THEME. In the first line, you present the image of a flower, but the second line doesn't really relate to it.
It isn't totally clear whether 'My world' is 'facing trouble', or the 'flower waiting to blossom' is 'facing trouble'. (Read the lines again with each meaning in mind.)
But if you extend your flower image by referring to it in the second line, the poem has a stronger sense of FLOW.
With my previous examples, you could write something like:
My world is a flower waiting to blossom,
Yet troubled with drought.
In this way, 'drought' is still a way of saying something is in trouble, but it is more closly linked to the image of the flower, as a flower without water is in trouble!
That's just an example. The image of a flower is a great one, and there are lots of things you can try out. My example may not be the best - I'm sure you can think of something better!
Does this make my point a little clearer? Please let me know if I'm still be confusing.
Thanks,
Sophie :)
Hi,
Sorry but it is still confusing beacause i thought it was supposed to rhyme and if i change it, it wont work... will it. This is what is confusing me.
Thank you
writinglover98
Hi,
Sorry but it is still confusing beacause i thought it was supposed to rhyme and if i change it, it wont work... will it. This is what is confusing me.
Thank you
writinglover98
Hi,
Sorry but it is still confusing beacause i thought it was supposed to rhyme and if i change it, it wont work... will it. This is what is confusing me.
Thank you
writinglover98
That would be the extra challenge. In my example I was only showing you how you could make the theme flow. Having to follow the rhyming rules is another piece of the puzzle that you, as the poet, would have to figure out!
As I said before, this is all very tricky, so if you don't quite grasp everything first time, don't worry.
Your poem was of a very high standard and some of the suggestions I have made are very challenging.
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