Monday, 15 June 2009

My world (Redraft)

My world is a DS,
where I can create.
My world is the internet,
where I see words
on a flickering screen
My world is school,
where I can play with
my friends in peace.


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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi dboggs99 - my name is Robert and I am one of your moderators this year.

I really liked your poem. It was simple and easy to read which is always helpful and yet posed deeper questions about the nature of childhood. My brother is about your age too so it made me think about him as well.

The first two lines were particularly good as they take the reader straight into the subject matter. The fact that you "create" a world on your DS shows both how important technology is in childhood and how this world isn't really real.

However, I didn't feel that line 6 really worked. An "ocean of words" sounds nice but doesn't really add to the poem. The idea of the internet is still good though so maybe it would be better to include something like "words on a flickering screen". It's up to you though.

The last three lines are really good though. They create a nice sense of closure at the end of the poem and the sense of "peace" conveyed contrasts with the earlier stanzas. It also gives a nice rounded view of childhood with both the playing on a DS and then playing with friends.

Overall I was very impressed with your poem. Your puncuation and use of language is spot on and you convey some great ideas. I really look forward to reading more of your work.

18 June 2009 at 11:27
englishguru said...

You have done really well here with a task that I know was very difficult: you have created and developed three good metaphors, all of which tell us a lot about your personality and what makes you tick. Well done!

With the next task, see if you can follow the rules of the task even more closely. Here, for example, if you look carefully at Valerie Bloom's poem, you can see how she manages to structure her poem - and hopefully learn from that too.

Another area for development is your use of rhyme. Although not every poem needs to rhyme, forcing yourself to follow a rhyming pattern (like I asked you to do with this task) can give your writing a sense of discipline which can have quite exciting results. I also think that Lines 1 and 3 would have been transformed simply by getting rid of the word "on", which would have brought your metaphors truly to life.

Well done for posting - and I am really looking forward to reading your attempt at Task 2. (Just make sure you post on time this week.)

21 June 2009 at 13:44

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