The sun is yellow icing,
Set upon a sky blue cake,
The sun is a colourful ball,
Lost in the glistening lake.
The sun is a bird about to take to flight,
The sun is a spiral of sheer delight,
The sun is my only fun,
Oh how I love the sun.
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Hi PRETTYFACE,
Well-done for your redraft of your poem 'The Sun', it is a great improvement on your first draft. You have taken on board the advice that I gave you- varying your rhymes instead of having the same sound rhymed throughout with 'cake' 'lake', 'flight' 'delight' and 'fun' and 'sun.' You have also created some new interesting metaphors, my favourite being the opening two lines 'The sun is yellow icing set upon a sky blue cake,' as I thought this metaphor was very original and good enough to eat! I feel that your first two metaphors are the most successful as they are extended over two lines, the second line elaborates upon the image you create in the first:
'The sun is a colourful ball,
Lost in the glistening lake.'
The metaphors you have created in this redraft show that you have really grasped the concept of metaphors and how to use them successfully in your work, well-done!
I really enjoyed reading this poem,
Shadi.
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