The reader of this poem is as generous as a millionare,
They sail the British Isles as if there's no time to spare,
This person looks like they're not in despair,
The person reading this looks like they care.
As wonderous and as helpful as a guide,
They helped me go down the Junior Wordvoodoo slide,
This person is as graceful as a swans delicate glide,
It's like the person reading this is always alongside.
They helped me go down the Junior Wordvoodoo slide,
This person is as graceful as a swans delicate glide,
It's like the person reading this is always alongside.
They look like they have a good life to live,
This person is as stuck as a malteser in a sieve,
When they leave it's like the crash of the Titanic,
This person is as small as an olive.
The reader of this poem looks like they love KFC,
As they move they're shadow looks like a tree,
This person looks as if they would like a cup of tea,
This person looks as if they're age is three.
7 comments:
Wicked!!!
I love the way you rhymed tea, tree and three! It's.......WICKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This simile poem is really, really good. I loved the diferent simile's.
WELL DONE!!!
I will be looking forward to your next one it was really interresting it made me smile.
Hi PRETTYFACE,
I really enjoyed reading this poem, you have tried hard to stick carefully to the criteria of this task with your poem’s four stanzas, each with four lines and by rhyming the second and fourth line of each stanza.
You poem shows you understand description through simile - describing something by comparing it to something else using the words like and as. My favourite simile is 'This person is as stuck as a Malteaser in a sieve', as this is very original and not something I would have thought of. I also liked the simile 'As wondrous and helpful as a guide, they helped me go down the junior wordvoodoo slide' as you have extended this idea over two lines, successfully linking one line onto the next.
I enjoyed the contrast you created between the vastness of the 'crash of the Titanic' and the small insignificance of an 'olive'. Using two contrasting ideas side by side is called 'Juxtaposition' which poets use to show the contrast between two things through the startlingly different images they create.
The Rodger McGough poem you read has a different simile on each line, you could also try this. He uses the repetition of ‘As’ to build up a strong rhythm:
‘As bold as a boxing glove,
As sharp as a nib,
As strong as scaffolding,
As tricky as a fib.’
See what I mean? McGough’s rhyming of the second and fourth line also helps to create this rhythm as does his lines all being of a similar length. To give your poem a stronger rhythm you could also try beginning the lines with the words ‘As’ or ‘Like’ , as this will focus you on the creation of similes. To create a stronger rhyme scheme you could try varying the sounds you rhyme at the end of each line. For example, your second stanza's lines all end in the rhyme ‘Ide’: ‘guide’ , ‘slide’ , ‘glide’ , ‘alongside.' To clearly show the rhyme of the second and fourth lines make sure your first and third lines have different ending sounds, they don't have to rhyme themselves! I know you can create varied rhymes as you did this brilliantly in the redraft of your poem 'The Sun'.
I feel that your last stanza is a bit muddled in terms of ideas, perhaps you need to think of a way of linking the similes in this stanza more successfully by finding connections between them, that lead from one onto the next. So if you wanted to focus on the line ‘As they move their shadow is like a tree’, which I feel is your most interesting line in this stanza, you could then think of similes that focus on The Reader’s movement/appearance. I felt that the ending of your poem was a bit abrupt perhaps you can think of a line which shows this is clearly the end of your poem, such as a small twist or a difference, to make the last lines stand out from the rest. For example, McGough ends his poem ‘He’s one in a million (Or so the poem says!)’ Try to think of a line which joins together all the ideas in your poem. For instance, as your poem has shown the many different sides of ‘The Reader of this poem’ you could end with something like:
‘The reader of this poem looks like they love KFC,
As they move they're shadow looks like a tree,
They have many changing faces,
I think you’ll agree!’
Overall you have followed this task very well and I can see that you have worked hard on this poem. Well done! I look forward to reading your next piece of work,
Shadi
Hey Prettyface,
I'm all about originality and creativity, and when I signed up to this scheme I thought the pieces being posted would be hesitant and sometimes chliche. Well I was wrong.
Your usage of such vivid and original similes lifts this piece of poetry from being a standard, plain piece of poetry into one that I (the reader) will actually love to read. Some examples of this come in the form of your 'KFC' simile. Brilliant!
Slight areas for improvement could be as follows. I feel as if (although your poem has some brilliant use of language) the whole structure of the poem doesn't really have a common theme. If we take McGough's poem for example we see that he uses the odd lines (1 and 3) of each stanza for creativity, and then the even lines (2 and 4) to explain his creativity. This gives the poem some depth and although your poem is full of original similes, I feel as if it could do with a little added depth.
Overall your 2nd task is brilliant, however what I would recommend for futher improvement would be the following. Whatever you do don't become afraid to experiment with your poems. Play with words, even make up some new words perhaps, that's the thing that makes Wordvoodoo so attractive in the first place!
I think I can see a little 'star in the making' here :).
Carry on writing!
Carlsberger.
Hi PRETTYFACE,
My name is STARDUST and I am one of many Word Voodoo moderators that will guiding you through your journey as a young writer in the English Workshop. I would like to start my analysis by expressing how impressed I am with your creative flair for rhyming words! I adore the first two lines in your second stanza: "As wonderous and as helpful as a guide,
They helped me go down the Junior Wordvoodoo slide" is full of great similes that ooze imagination! If you haven't read any of Roald Dahl's poems, I seriously suggest you do spend some time studying his literal techniques in order to improve your writing. You mirror his quirkiness and humour and would do well to adopt his ideas into your work, whilst having a great time reading them, as his books and poems are immortal classics in my opinion.
Moreover, effective poems, especially ballads, which are types of verse based around telling a story, require short and snappy sentences that have a good rhythmic beat. I'm very happy to say you have experimented rather successfully with discovering that appropriate rhythm, and even though you weren't supposed to be telling a story, I'm confident you have the talent to produce a humorous poem alongside the originality you have illustrated in this task.
Watch out for your rhyming scheme as your lines of 1 and 3 rhyme together when they shouldn't do. Only lines 2 and four should rhyme to copy your given example of Roger McGough's "The Writer of this Poem". Also be slightly careful that you have control over the lines, instead of them having control over you! For instance, "This person looks as if they're age is three" appears to be out of place and irrelevant to the rest of the stanza, which can almost sidetrack the reader from the point you are trying to make and could allow them to lose confidence in your writing. Another very small point could be to avoid spelling mistakes,(millionare = millionaire, they're is short for "they are" and doesn't work in your third line on the last stanza. It should be "their", meaning it is someone's property.) You could prevent this from happening by typing your task onto Microsoft Word before posting it on the blog, which automatically shows spelling and grammatical errors.
Overall, I can see you have such high ability in English, considering your age, and I sincerely look forward to reading your work in a few weeks' time.
Any questions you have, please feel free to ask!
Very well done,
STARDUST.
Thanks Shadi,carlsberger and stardust :D
I liked your little star in the making part carlsberger.
xx
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