The reader of this poem
Is as sensitive as a new born
As stroppy as a teenager
As loud as a cockeral at dawn.
As clever as Stephen Hawkin
As exaggerating as a boaster
As creative as Picasso
As hot as a toaster
As giggly as a hyena
As fun as a theme park
As young as you were once
As angry as a bark
The reader of this poem
Is as pretty as a rose
As fashionable as Stella McCartney
Or so the legend goes.
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3 comments:
Well done, this is another good poem that applies itself to the task in hand and, most importantly, has fun doing so. You make clever use of real-life figures (Hawking, Picasso etc) but also include some more personal and heartfelt imagery. You experiment with line length, and use it to good effect – for instance in the very different ways you end the first stanza (“As loud as a cockerel at dawn”) and the second stanza (“As hot as a toaster”).
In fact, I much prefer the first two stanzas to the last two.
The first stanza I think is excellent. You make subtle connections between the different similes you choose, for example between the sensitive newborn and the stroppy teenager. Reading those together makes me think about the way that stroppiness and sensitivity come from the same place, but end up in very different ones, if you see what I mean.
Then you follow those with the crowing cockerel, which again throws up surprising links to the other two images – on the one hand a crowing cockerel is simply saying, ‘Look at me!’, just like a teenager showing off; on the other hand how many parents have been woken up at dawn by their crying baby!
Most importantly, a cockerel crowing at dawn is what cockerels do best, it’s the essence of what a cockerel is. So, too, this reflects back on the other two similes – perhaps being sensitive is the essence of a newborn, just as being stroppy is the essence of an adolescent. It’s as if you’ve dug into each thing and pulled out what they really, truly are.
The second stanza is funny, largely because it moves from Stephen Hawking and Pablo Picasso to a toaster. It’s an example of ‘bathos’, which is a sort of comedy where you get a laugh by moving from something big and important to something trivial. This works in your poem partly because of the way the line seems to stop short. Every line of the poem until then has three ‘feet’ (or stresses – ‘As CLE-ver as STE-phen HAW-king’), but this one just has two (‘As HOT as a TOA-ster). You hit the end of a line with a bump, and you’re left thinking, what – I’m a like a toaster? Oh, well, okay then.
The only problem I have with this stanza is that the adjective-person combinations you choose (clever/Stephen Hawking, creative/Pablo Picasso) are a bit obvious. Perhaps you could think of another adjective for Hawking and Picasso that goes a bit deeper into what they represent? That somehow includes cleverness and creativity, and goes beyond it?
The third stanza is, to my mind, weaker than the first two. Firstly, I don’t much like the ‘giggly as a hyena’ line, because I don’t think giggly is the right word. Hyenas are often described as laughing, but ‘giggly’ is too cute, and hyenas, in my book aren’t cute.
‘As fun as a theme park’ I’m unsure about for a couple of reasons. ‘Fun’ and ‘theme park’ are a bit vague. ‘Fun as a theme park’ is a bit ‘so what?’ Also, you’ve got a problem with your rhyme. The stress on ‘theme park’ falls on ‘theme’, not on ‘park’, so it doesn’t work well with ‘Angry as a bark’. Replace the last line with ‘Dreamy as a dream park’ and read it out loud and you’ll see what I mean. I’d suggest keeping the fourth line and changing the second. You’ve got lots of other possible rhymes: ‘the dark’, ‘a lark’, ‘a spark’…
The fourth stanza is fine, but it doesn’t exactly end the poem on a bang. I don’t mind being as pretty as a rose, as long as that’s the set up for another great punch line like ‘hot as a toaster’, but ‘Or so the legend goes’ is a bit like you’re shrugging your shoulders. It doesn’t have the kick of Michael Rosen’s last line.
Finally, there were a few spelling mistakes: ‘Hawking’, ‘cockerel’ and (less bad, this one) ‘newborn’ is one word.
So, there you go. There’s so much that’s exciting about this poem – the tenderness of the first stanza, the humour of the second, the interesting rhymes and line lengths. But, as I say, mostly I’m seeing that in its first half, not its second. Well done.
Hey Sparkle,
In many ways I agree with Jonathan. Yet as this is Britain, I have my freedom of speech and there's no harm in a little clash of opinions :).
To start off with I think the key elements of a sparkling poem are all there. You've got a perfect rhyme scheme which contains obvious and 'punchy' words. You've also cracked the line length rule, which you've actually done at a higher level that was required than you in the first place-so well done!
Some areas for improvement however could be in the form of adding some body to this poem. Right now you seem to have concentrated on the similes more than the actual poem itself, which is a shame because Wordvoodoo shouldn't constrict you through rules and regulations; it should exploit the raw talent that lies within.
What I'm trying to say is that try not to let the poem control you, instead you control the poem. Sit down and let the ideas flow naturally. Some of the best poetry can come in the form of objects such as a 'Grin', an experience such as a ride on the london underground or even what you had for breakfast this morning.
If you're intrested in the type of poetry that requires little effort yet shines through its simplicity, I suggest reading some poems of Bill Bryson - who is renowned for his 'laid back' attitude towards poetry.
Hope the above helps you in some way,
Keep on writing!
Carlsberger.
Yet again another brilliant poem! But some of the similies are quite random, like you're just trying to fit it into the poem, so that you get a rhyming word. I'm not the best poet in the world so i can't say much but why don't you try thinking outside the box, and not choose the most common rhymes. Try something more difficult, give yourself a challange!
But anyway, all in all it was pretty good. I particularly liked the last stanza and the last line because it gives the impression that there's more to it and that this isn't the end.
Great job!
crazylike_woah
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